How to woo girls – A loser’s guide

 

Wooing girls has always been considered as an art. It needs passion, endurance, inborn capabilities and lots and lots of practice. I thought to myself, why not analyse this art and prepare a synopsis for a cookbook. I am an expert (certification and 97.5 patents pending with the cupid).

After lots of analysis, closed room discussions with myself and my beer bottle (and belly) and incessant staring at the stars I have reached to a revealing conclusion. The conclusion is whether a guy is interested or not interested in a girl he will behave to impress a girl, without fail. He will behave according to the strategy he has created from his teens (or way before), the strategy (may or may not have been successful) which he thinks fits him the best and which will (in his own small world) make a girl go crazy (and wet). So I have decided to categorise guys and look for the girl which will suit you the best. For starters I do believe that ‘opposites attract’.  People always try to look person who has all the qualities they have only dreamt about in themselves. So here is a small excerpt. The cookbook is still cooking (baking to be exact).

The decent devils

These guys are like coconut or melons. Tough from outside and sissy soft from inside. He will always act rowdy in front of others and will talk softly to each and every girl he meets. The girl community will form and opinion that you are very decent and you will always try to break their belief. This has a dual advantage. You can do whatever you want and still be considered as a ‘good’ guy.

If you do feel that you are one of these kind then watch a lot of movies based on split personality (like Fight Club, Spider Man or Secret Window). These movies will enrich you and portray you as a pseudo-intellectual loser stud. And believe me pseudo-intellectualism is a huge head-turner for most of the women. The girl which will suit you is typical ‘ghar-ki-bahu/behenji’ types. These girls will be super committed and will also allow you to act rowdy. You can actually make fun of them in front of everybody and they will not mind. Isn’t that a cool way to satisfy tour piggish little ego?

The BiKing Boys

Ah..you have a spelndor,passion,FZ,fazer,apache,pulsar then you are ready for a go. Girls love bikes. At least, most of them. They love the fluttering of their hair sitting on the pinion while the chauffer guy escorts them to a mall. These guys pretend that they don’t care about mileage and can drive bhery bhery fast. And they can even drive a bike keeping their both hands in air (old school?).

If you do fall in this category then spend minimal on yourself, because the girls whom you are going to patofy are very expensive (financially and emotionally). But there are certain tricks. You kind of girls love movies and ice-cream. So in that case you have to spare pend only Fridays with them. Rest of the week they are busy gossiping.

The farting flirts

These are the guys who think farting in front of girl is damn cute. Their fart is always those sweet and dangerous. They have a small *beeep* sound or a sweet humming sound which comes out momentarily from their rear window.

If you fall in this category you should and would look for a girl who smokes or the one who loves to smell. One who smokes will never complain because her olfactory glands have lost their sensitivity to smell (hope their other glands are working). The one who loves to smell will go crazy about you as she not only loves you but you as a complete person with all the intangible (and abstract) qualities you have. If you really want to keep (or woo) this girl eat a lot of cabbage and radish and cauliflower. This kind of diet will keep your relationship in balance.

The handsome hunk

These kinds spend hours in gym and more hours shaving their armpits. They smell good and taste even better (no personal experience cited). They have an obsession for sunglasses. They have feeling that they can woo every girl and believe me, at the end of the day, they can.

So, you fall in this category. Feeling lucky about your genes and mirror eh? If you do belong here then keep a comb and mirror (the ones sold in local trains) always with yourself, you may not get a washroom to look good everywhere. You should always look for a girl with super-model looks. You don’t have to care about the words like ‘cultured’ and ‘classy’ because your girl will never bother about them. She will be too proud of herself and too engrossed in her shallowness and facial (no pun intended). And don’t forget to worship Hrithik. When your girl screams ‘OOHH MY GAWD’ in the bed, she is actually referring to Hrithik.

The Mama’s boy

These kinds of guys take permission from home to go to pee. They use local transport to travel and never have driven a bike because it is too dangerous (as his mom says).Specifically suited for arranged marriages, these guys love their family and cheating does not appear in their dictionary. Their body structure can range from too lean to guys with dudeterus.

If you fall in this group and brave enough to accept it then ‘salute’. You should look out for an independent girl who loves freedom. The girl should have a Royal Enfield so that you can capture her pinion. Remember Deepika in ‘Karthik calling Karthik’? And she should never ever wear a saree. She should teach you to drink whiskey and act as your second mom. She should take you out for a stroll every day in the evening for some fresh air.

The frustrated frat

These kind of guys are super shy and super duper frustrated losers. They always hang in groups and can be spotted in different malls passionately pursuing their hobby ie. Girl watching. They may even fall in love and will wait for a glimpse of the girl of their dreams but will never ever have the guts to talk.

So if you are this kind of loser then it is probable that you masturbate a lot (and I can’t define lot). And you are so egoistic that you are actually waiting for a girl who would come up to you and fall on your feet. You, my friend need medication or a bold girl. You are looking for a girl who (and her commitment) will be your asset to flaunt. Best of Luck with that.

The ‘I don’t care ones’

These guys are also seen in bunch and they feel like pride of lions. They think show that they don’t care a shit about girls (but are not considered gay) but secretly try to get a girls attention. Actually they are the hungriest kind and their every move is targeted to woo girls.

If, my friend, you are here then believe me you just need a goddamn girl. You are not racist and don’t believe in discrimination of opposite sex based on caste, colour, creed, whims and size. The day a girl will give you the tiniest amount of ‘patta’, you will run to the nearest temple to pay homage to God.

The Best Friends

These guys are a more like girls (not gay). They always hang around with bunch of girls and are best friends with many of them. They cry and share feelings. They are very well behaved and open minded (at least it seems so).

If you are one of these, then don’t worry. You will get a girl. You will always be the backup plan of you best friends. So as soon as your friend goes through a breakup jump along and if you are lucky then she may even consider you. And if you are the reason of their breakup then you are screwed, because even if she breaks up with that guy you will always carry the tag of best friend throughout your life.

The list is not exhaustive and the categorisation above can be elaborated and bent in many ways.

I know that most of the guys will deny that they fall in any of the category above but the girls will know that some way or the other they do resemble, may be the tiniest amount.

Dogs and Bitches

Suffering from Delhi Belly for the last three days. It is the worst ailment for a foodie. Visited loo 10 times in the last 12 hours. Great performance, right? By the way feeling better after having lots of pills and boiled food. Have to get in shape before the biggest festival of Bengali community, ‘Durga Puja’. Last night my friends partied and I missed it because of my pathetic condition. Listened to lot of advice from my kith and kins. Was not able to go to office(which I sincerely hate) because of that.

Stars this year don’t support the phenomenon called ‘LOVE’. First I had a breakup; then one of my friend gave me the good news. ‘I am single again buddy’, that’s what he told over the phone in a happy and cheerful voice. When I heard that, a song came to my mind sung by ‘Jagjit Singh’-

“Tum Itna Jo Muskura Rahe Ho
Kya Gham Hai Jisko Chhupa Rahe Ho“

My roomie is sad too. He has been chasing a girl for a long time now. That girl has a boyfriend, IIM grad, placed in Nokia, package-18 lac p.a., and my friend works in TCS. Irony of fate. But the weirdest thing is that the girl always calls up my friend and my friend is ready to accompany her even to hell. He is actually talking to her when I am writing about them. She knows that my roomie likes her very much and she has already told him that the relationship is not possible. I don’t blame her. It is her right (being a girl) to look for greener pastures and when she finds one, she puts up a big board on him, which says – taken. But this is not the saddest part. The worst part is whenever she needs to run an errand she calls him up. By the way running ‘errands’ is a broad term which comprises of a lot of things like her shopping for family, checking her mails, standing in a queue for 5 hours to get her a form and the list continues. That means my friend is a classic example of a dog chasing a car which he will never be able to drive, and the car driver is enjoying all the attention because it is a dog.

When I told this incident to a girl, friend and colleague of mine, she gave me an uncomfortable answer. She started blaming my roomie for all the things that are happening. She said, “If a guy is running after a girl, who he knows, will never be with him, then he is stupid”. I support her totally. In these kinds of situations guys do act like a stupid dog, but still they are better than cruel bitches. I do support her because it is very much OK for a girl to call him up and use him, but it is highly immoral for a guy to respond to her gestures. What a fcuking hypocrite society. She also told me that girls having long distance relationship always need another guy to compensate. Wow that is a nice food for thought. She can always go around with another guy but the problem arises when he develops feelings (rarity in men). Girls are pretty good at dodging these situations by saying ‘I did not think about you like that’ or ‘you are my best friend’ or the sharpest knife – ‘I am with another guy’. And she continues to flirt with him again, as if nothing happened. Every person will blame the guy, ‘if he knows that she is playing with her, why does not he stop chasing’. But men will be men. We are dogs and we love chasing (cars). And the girl who has been playing golf with his feelings will never be blamed for giving him false hopes. I attribute this phenomenon to the low number of girls per 1k guys in India. When Aiswarya Ray can leave Salman and Vivek to be a part of Bacchhan family, we are just commoners.

My only question is ‘how can a guy chase a girl, if the girl has been totally committed to another guy and had not given any gesture/indications?’ But still we cannot blame them. Why? Because they are girls. I think that I am clear enough or do you need further explanation. Hope not.

For girls : Please be genuine. Don’t be a hypocrite. And don’t play with guys. Play ‘angry birds’ instead.

For boys : Stay hungry. Stay foolish. Keep chasing.

SHE…the first sigh…

She always loved freedom. Although being brought up in a typical middle class and very conservative Gujrati family her desire to open the wings and fly high was deep-rooted. Breaking rules was her favourite hobby. If somebody restricted or warned her from doing anything she has to do it and that ‘somebody’ will be unaware throughout his/her life. That was her revenge from the society. Falling in love was a sure no-no in the society from where she belonged. But still she took the risk. Nobody warned/restricted her but it was the silent and unspoken rule she had to break. Falling in love with him was an option, an alternative, a chance for her to break free, never anticipating the fact that love has boundaries too. She hated boundaries. It curbs her free spirit and that is exactly why she chose him. He was Muslim, energetic, free-spirited, and unconventional and he loved her. What more can she ask? She was free to do anything and he has been a faithful companion in all her adventurous trips full of whim.

She wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss her. Both of them wanted to kiss each other. When they were in a desolate place they both knew that something would happen. Something that has never happened before. Never to them. Both of them were itching to do it but they were too shy to express that they wanted a liplock. May be they were not shy. They wanted this to happen that way. They wanted it all of a sudden. Nobody knew who will make the first move but both of them were ready to support if someone ever did. The tranquility surrounding them with faint chirping of birds were setting the right mood. He was sitting with his legs bent from knees. She kept her head on his lap gazing at him. They were talkative and they were talking incessantly. They were into the relationship and it was still fresh. So they were never out of words. But in that place, where there was no soul except them, they paused. There was no reason behind the pause. They paused and looked into the eyes of each other. He still had his fingers entangled in her silky hair. And then it started. All of a sudden they knew this is the right time. It was hard to tell who initiated. Her head was displaced upwards from his lap. His head is bent down. Both of them have moved equally towards each other. His hands were supporting her head although it was not necessary.

She could not hear anything. The faint chirping of birds and the sound of tranquility has been replaced by a numb sound now. She closed her eyes and her ears started getting warmer to hotter. She pressed herself towards him, and tried to fight her tongue with his. She thought this is how people kiss or should kiss. She swooned as he brought her closer. Her ears are getting hotter and the numb sound started traveling from her ears towards her lips. A few moments later they realized that they were kissing for the first time. This realization brought current in their bodies.

They were very lively creatures, always full of energy. So as soon as the kiss seemed monotonic, they thought we are missing passion over here. Now the numb sound was replaced by some moist sound and heavy breathing. The fight between lips and tongue still continued. After a few more moments of panting and kissing when the distance between their bodies has been minimized and her ears have reached their maximum temperature they stopped. In the end although it seemed as the same old stuff but they were more determined to try it the next time also. Both of them decided to initiate the next time (but none of them did).

After the kiss the heavy breathing has not stopped. She felt that the numb sound is back in her ears and the lips were senseless. She saw he had tears in his eyes, may be because of sheer ecstasy and overflow of emotions. She did not say anything. She was unable to. She was trying to gather herself and realise what just happened. Few moments back, she felt, the world around her was shrinking. She was able to smell the saliva of a person, another person, a real one. She took longer time to gain her senses and relax, than the kiss. But as soon as she did, a faint smile appeared on the lips who were fighting few moments back. She did not know why she was smiling, happiness or pride or joy or satisfaction, anything can describe it, but nothing can accurately.

After the panting stopped, she breathed a sigh of relief. Sigh…

Thanks for the helluva joyride

Enough is enuf. I’m tired of hiding from myself. Let’s face it.

I admit that I was in a pathetic condition and I am recovering fast. Real fast. May be it’s because of the new surroundings that I am living in and loving too much. I live in a supercool flat with supercool roomies now.

Last couple of days were hectic, physically, mentally and of course emotionally. Apathy was my buzzword for the last couple of days in my life. I was just taking one day at a time and waiting for it to pass by. I chuckled and frowned normally, at least it seemed so, in front of others, but I was empty inside. Yes ‘empty’ is the right word that can exactly describe the feelings inside me. I was feeling hollow. It seemed like I was relying too much on my crutches and it fell apart. I am learning to walk again on my feet, and hope to run soon. Call it a human nature that it helps you to accommodate in any condition you are thrown into. It reminds me of the show ‘Wild’ where a person fights to survive in the inhumanly conditions and really loves it. I love it too, superficially.

Okay, after beating about the bush for a while and whining in a complaining tone I am going to break the silence. I had a breakup. This time a real one. She left me deserted and forlorn. Previously it seemed impossible and now it seems too obvious. Irony my friend, irony of fate.

If  I start telling why it happened and how it happened,  it will be a gala saga and I can start a series of blogs and you all will be hell bored (it is too entertaining and bollywoodish for my taste). So let us keep it short and simple.

What I should tell you:

She was cheating on me emotionally (Thank God, not physically!!). I confronted her with my doubts about her commitment and she dumped me. The bitch she is, she said she loves me still but she cannot bear the burden anymore. Typical filmy breakup. Love my arse is a fcukin four letter word which makes you feel that the world around is full of fantasy. Love is like ‘Finding Neverland’. She cried and it all seemed to me as crocodile tears. She left me for another guy with whom she was moving around few days now. Hypocrite and a testerone magnet. I hate her.

What I am telling you (the truth):

I have been a bad boyfriend. **Single/committed-soon-to-be-single girls please ignore the previous line (written in too much emotion and we men cannot handle too much emotion, you all know that).** I cannot handle long distance relationship. I am over possessive and over aggressive. I used to question her freedom incessantly (she is a Capricorn and freedom is her first choice, even ahead of the relationship). I was very sceptical and always scared of losing her. I suffered from insecurity (disadvantage of having a beautiful girl, from inside and outside :P). The guy was just a friend and was not a competition. But sadist in me will never stop. I tried to stop her but ‘enough is enuf’. I was trembling when she dropped the bomb on me. I still love her.

Conclusion after breaking a 4 years old relationship:

1. Pyar Ka Punchnama is a too good movie.

2. I’m scared of only three things: I, me and myself.

3. Long distance relationships never work

(Love is fool’s gold, Trust is the philosopher’s stone and Karma is a bitch).

4. I am right now suffering from a commitmentphobia.

5. I am still feeling hollow and waiting for her.

P.S. A snippet from ‘Turning 30’:What does a girl really mean when she breaks up with you but says that she still loves you and will always? If she means what she’s saying why would she break up with you in the first place? Is it just a way of making you feel better about being dumped? Or is there a faint possibility that she may comeback…?

P.P.S. More on the topic soon. Love, Sex aur Dhoka.

hop hop

Watching the video of aye! hip hopper. I love the video as well as the song and Ishq. While watching the video after having few pegs I remembered the Shiney Ahuja case. I think Ahiney was influenced by the video and got a little bit carried away. Ishq you are responsible for both of them. The maid in your video is sensuous and I can drop my girl for her (jaan just kidding). I should apologize in case she reads..:). I think it is a normal male chauvinist feeling to get a girl under him (no pun intended). Although I being a feminist I too have a suppressed feeling of a girl who gives up (and I am not perv). But if the girl is not that carried away better you carry yourself away. Not just because it is safe, but because you are a human and not an animal. The rape cases which flood the recent newspapers leave us stunned and speak the contrary. The animal instincts are getting unleashed and laws should be stricter to grab and nail them. The accused tried to subdue her and when they were unable to control her spirit they mutilated her. This is barbarism to its limits. It is not the feminist but the human in me speaking.

Let us make this world a better place to live in.

Fingers crossed.