Tag Archives: SHE

Can’t be better

All beautiful things are worth taking pain for.

I have always found that love is overrated. No I am not a cynic, rather a realist. I have been in and out of relationships and I have witnessed the love fade away. That being said I have also witnessed the so called eternal love stories where they are in deep and blind love, they get married and live happily ever after. But adjustments do form an important part of a ‘healthy’ and long lasting relationship.

I also think that love cannot be among equals. Either one has to love down while the other loves up. If equals do fall for each other their equality may become the issue of conflicts arising from most unexpected of the situations. This loving up & down creates two categories. The ‘good enough’ and the ‘can’t be better’.

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Nisa and Avik fell in love in their college days. They were the perfect example of the borrowed concept of high school sweethearts. Although they were jealousy inducing couple and seemed perfect and were popular among their peers, their friends had a tingling feeling whenever they encountered them hand-in-hand. This was probably because Nisa is dark-skinned and Avik is milky-white, Nisa was an average student while Avik was comparatively intellectually élite. In India where fairness is a measure of beauty and beauty is a measure of love, these kind of relationships are rare. It is rare to see a dark-skinned woman with a ‘fair & handsome’ man. We have been brought up in a society where men are stereotyped as tall, dark, handsome while women have to be fair. Nisa and Avik broke norms. Moral of the story is that according to clichéd beauty concepts Avik is ‘better’ than Nisa and that probably disturbed their friends at some level. But it was impossible to discuss these issues forget about voicing them. They were both engineers, belonged to modern society, wore branded attires and were going to work in an IT giant. Talking ‘trash’ did not suit them.

Nisa was a beautiful woman. She was big bosomed lady and had equally attractive waist line. She knew that she is a head turner which was enhanced by her unquestionable dressing sense. She was perky and could easily make friends. She was soft and used to cry for no reason. Her friends adored her, both men and women. She loved splurging, shopping and smiling. Apart from the fact that everyone knew she was already taken which she voiced with pride, she always acted innocent which made it very difficult for guys hitting on her. But men will be men and she has received her fair share of attention, love-letters and gawking.

Avik was a one of those guys who looked ruggedly handsome in carefully careless scanty beard. He was fair, tall and muscular. His rimless glasses made him even more irresistible. But he was above and beyond looking good. He was intelligent and he was one of the top performers in Nisa’s college. He will truly make you believe that ‘God is unfair’. Avik has also received his ‘fair’ share of attention, love-letters and gawking.

Both Nisa and Avik got placed from campus in Intellitech Consultancy Services, the biggest ITES Company in India and that is where they met Nikhil. Nikhil was a jovial chap. He always maintained a balance between his studies and fun. He paid due attention to his female colleagues but when it came to studies or work he was more than serious. He knew that he was not a brainiac and always tried to compensate it with his hard work and sheer dedication. He had a good sense of humour and easily became friends with Avik and Nisa.

Avik was careerist and within few weeks into their training he started teaching a whole batch of new joinees on the request of his beautiful HR. Company is a totally different ball game when compared to college. Nisa may have enjoyed her popularity because of her big bosom and bigger heart, but at Intellitech the number of girls around increased threefold. They came from all the corners of India in all sizes, shapes and moods and that meant an increased competition and increased sense of insecurity for Nisa. But Nisa was a smart girl and she made a lot of friends, apart from Nikhil. Her insecurity was also diminished by the apathy of Avik towards girls.

After training Avik got a high profile project due to his performance during the training. Both Nisa and Nikhil were benched. Those days were dreamy for Nisa as she got regular salary as pocket money which she spent on more dresses and more. Nikhil got frustrated in those days listening to constant chatter of Nisa. Luckily after about three months they got the same project and same work profile. Nikhil was a guy and he knew the importance of a career. Quickly he assumed a lot of responsibilities and became a dependable employee in the project. Nisa with her laid-back attitude tried to cope up with the corporate life venting out her frustration due to work pressure though frequent exhibition of tears. Nikhil was always there as a friend to wipe them and provide comfort. He considered it as an added responsibility given that his friend Avik was always busy.

The chemistry between Nikhil and Nisa was very much visible to other colleagues in the project and they started teasing them. ‘You are lucky bloke that she is your friend.’ ‘At least introduce us once, we will take care of the rest.’ Nikhil enjoyed the attention as it provided a much-needed relief from the work pressure and answered them with a stupid smile. ‘She is just a friend’, which added more fuel to the fire.

‘You have a thing for him, isn’t it?’ Her boss once said, in front of Nikhil. Nikhil smiled stupidly and tried to ignore her. Nisa was smart and innocent. ‘O, Stop you. Don’t spread or believe these rumours. He is just like my brother.’ Nisa said casually pointing at Nikhil. This really irritated Nikhil. He hated girls who called him like-brother. ‘Don’t ever do that. Don’t ever call me your brother. I am not your brother and I have no intention of being one. I have a sister and she is more than enough. It is like you have a feeling for me and you want to shadow it with a pseudo-relationship tag. “Brother” is an invisible chastity belt for girls. Don’t you worry. Avik is my good friend and I will never hit on you.’

‘Okay, Okay you love birds. Stop fighting. Go to your cubicles and start work now’, their boss stopped the whole thing before it went out of hand. In the meantime Avik was learning and growing really fast in the organisation, but in IT services companies, however big they may be, stagnation dawned as quickly as you learn. Avik switched companies along with city. He got a lucrative offer from Mango Inc., a California-based tech product company. He shifted his base to Bengaluru, the city to be.

Nisa cried again. This time her boss also consoled her along with Nikhil. ‘Stop crying all the time. He will be fine and you can visit him once a month. I will sanction your leave. Now stop your sob.’ But she didn’t and Nikhil was confused this time. ‘What will be the correct and best way to make her stop crying,’ he thought. Her boss tried again. ‘Okay tell me what do you want to be in life?’ ‘I wanted to be an actress.’ Nikhil smiled and thought she would have made a beautiful and successful one. ‘But I can’t, because I am dark. So now I want to be a housewife. I want to marry Avik soon and want to spend money, a lot,’ she said with muffed voice trying desperately to breathe, sob and talk, all at once. ‘But now there is even more distance between us.’

After Avik left the city life became busy for all of them. Nikhil and Nisa found less time to talk to each other. Office colleagues got bored of teasing them once they sensed the futility of their venture and Nisa’s commitment. Nisa also cried less and dropped tears only in case of serious issues like periods, dandruff, unsolvable bug and bad lunch. ‘You are becoming mature’, teased Nikhil at their daily meet during lunch. She smiled and ate silently.

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Nisa has not cried for a long long time, may be weeks. One day, out of the blue the tears reappeared. ‘What happened this time? Did they put extra salt in the sambhar?’ asked Nikhil to cheer her up. She didn’t say anything.

‘O, come on now. Stop crying and speak up’

‘My parents want me to marry’

‘So? Ask Avik to marry you. What is the problem here?’

‘He doesn’t want to marry this soon.’

‘Tell your parents to wait a little then.’

‘I don’t want to wait. I don’t know if I am good enough for him. What if he finds a new one?’

‘If you love him you have to trust him. You have to wait.’ She kept mum.

‘You love him, right?’ She didn’t speak a word. ‘Tell me.’

‘I don’t know.’

This made Nikhil muddled and bold. ‘Then why are you stuck with him? You are beautiful. You can get a lot of guys.’

‘That guy can’t be better than him’

P.S. All characters are fictitious and there is no damn doubt about it.

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he and SHE

He said, ‘I hate you.’

She said, ‘I still love you.’

He said, ‘You do? I don’t believe you.’

She retorted, ‘I don’t need to make you believe that, I love you in my own way.’

He said, ‘How can I be sure?’

She said, ‘Do you need surety to love me? I don’t have to prove that to you. I know I will always be yours even if you are not mine.’

He said, ‘You were not there when I needed you the most. I was not able to talk to you when I wanted share everything of my life. You were distant.’

She said, ‘You were always with me. Whether I was able to talk to you or not, I always felt you. Beside me. Around me.’

He said, ‘I needed you to complete me. I am incomplete without you. I needed you to be part of my driving force. Where were you?’

She said, ‘May be I was being selfish or I had a wrong notion that loving someone is being with. I don’t even start without you. For me driving force is you. I was here.’

He said, ‘Don’t be a hypocrite. Just say that you don’t love me anymore. Say that you don’t think about me all the time. Say that I am not the one. Say that my exclusivity has been taken by somebody else. For God’s sake just say it.’

She said, ‘I never lie to you. But if that is what you really want to hear I can say it. I can do anything you want that makes you happy.’

He said, ‘I knew you will say it. You always had that in mind. You have lost my trust. You were dying to run away from me.’

Then he ran away. Far, far away from her. Far away from himself. He ran to get a life for himself leaving his life far behind. She stood there. She watched him running away from her as the distance grew further. She did not stop him from doing what he wanted. She did not cry. The rain poured. She is still standing there, trembling and having her fingers crossed, asking, ‘Were you there when I needed YOU the most?’

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SHE…the first sigh…

She always loved freedom. Although being brought up in a typical middle class and very conservative Gujrati family her desire to open the wings and fly high was deep-rooted. Breaking rules was her favourite hobby. If somebody restricted or warned her from doing anything she has to do it and that ‘somebody’ will be unaware throughout his/her life. That was her revenge from the society. Falling in love was a sure no-no in the society from where she belonged. But still she took the risk. Nobody warned/restricted her but it was the silent and unspoken rule she had to break. Falling in love with him was an option, an alternative, a chance for her to break free, never anticipating the fact that love has boundaries too. She hated boundaries. It curbs her free spirit and that is exactly why she chose him. He was Muslim, energetic, free-spirited, and unconventional and he loved her. What more can she ask? She was free to do anything and he has been a faithful companion in all her adventurous trips full of whim.

She wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss her. Both of them wanted to kiss each other. When they were in a desolate place they both knew that something would happen. Something that has never happened before. Never to them. Both of them were itching to do it but they were too shy to express that they wanted a liplock. May be they were not shy. They wanted this to happen that way. They wanted it all of a sudden. Nobody knew who will make the first move but both of them were ready to support if someone ever did. The tranquility surrounding them with faint chirping of birds were setting the right mood. He was sitting with his legs bent from knees. She kept her head on his lap gazing at him. They were talkative and they were talking incessantly. They were into the relationship and it was still fresh. So they were never out of words. But in that place, where there was no soul except them, they paused. There was no reason behind the pause. They paused and looked into the eyes of each other. He still had his fingers entangled in her silky hair. And then it started. All of a sudden they knew this is the right time. It was hard to tell who initiated. Her head was displaced upwards from his lap. His head is bent down. Both of them have moved equally towards each other. His hands were supporting her head although it was not necessary.

She could not hear anything. The faint chirping of birds and the sound of tranquility has been replaced by a numb sound now. She closed her eyes and her ears started getting warmer to hotter. She pressed herself towards him, and tried to fight her tongue with his. She thought this is how people kiss or should kiss. She swooned as he brought her closer. Her ears are getting hotter and the numb sound started traveling from her ears towards her lips. A few moments later they realized that they were kissing for the first time. This realization brought current in their bodies.

They were very lively creatures, always full of energy. So as soon as the kiss seemed monotonic, they thought we are missing passion over here. Now the numb sound was replaced by some moist sound and heavy breathing. The fight between lips and tongue still continued. After a few more moments of panting and kissing when the distance between their bodies has been minimized and her ears have reached their maximum temperature they stopped. In the end although it seemed as the same old stuff but they were more determined to try it the next time also. Both of them decided to initiate the next time (but none of them did).

After the kiss the heavy breathing has not stopped. She felt that the numb sound is back in her ears and the lips were senseless. She saw he had tears in his eyes, may be because of sheer ecstasy and overflow of emotions. She did not say anything. She was unable to. She was trying to gather herself and realise what just happened. Few moments back, she felt, the world around her was shrinking. She was able to smell the saliva of a person, another person, a real one. She took longer time to gain her senses and relax, than the kiss. But as soon as she did, a faint smile appeared on the lips who were fighting few moments back. She did not know why she was smiling, happiness or pride or joy or satisfaction, anything can describe it, but nothing can accurately.

After the panting stopped, she breathed a sigh of relief. Sigh…

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Requiem for a Dream

Just woke up and felt like writing. Monsoons are here and it’s raining incessantly in Calcutta for the last three days. I prefer ‘Calcutta’ more than ‘Kolkata’ and I don’t know why!!! Listening to this song on Utube.

I woke up today at 9 to open the door for my roomie who came back from office and then I slept again. Few minute back I had a strange feeling. It is out of the world experience and I thought as Barney says, ‘It is definitely going into my blog’. The feeling is a bit abstract but I will try my best to express it lexically.

I was half asleep when in the back of my mind I started missing her. I felt like I am reliving few moments. They were not vivid or detailed or particular in that sense. It was only filled with her touch. And the odd part is I was able to feel my movement also, but my body was lying still. I suddenly woke up a few times to look whether my body changed its place but there was no movement. It felt like something inside me was stuck and wanted to come out and move around. I felt her walking beside me, holding my hands (at that moment I felt my hands were trembling). Each time I felt something like that I was out of breath and started panting in my ‘half-sleep’. My body wanted to spring but it was numb and I was unable to move. This is the first time in my entire life when I can see someone’s face with my eyes closed. Sometimes I felt her hair on my face and tried to remove it using my hand with no movement of hand whatsoever. But something inside me made the movement and moved the hair aside and the slight sensation on my face went away. Her smooth skin rubbing on my rough one gave me a tingling sensation for a long time. My head was swinging throughout the time and I enjoyed it.

I thought when it was shown in movies that it was only a pictorial representation but now that I have felt it I am unable to explain what I felt. I was hallucinating may be because last night was the seventh continuous drinking night. I called her 2 days back at 4:30 in the morning after the Hangover III just to ask her how she is as I was missing her a lot. She answered that she is fine, and asked back the same question. I lied. I told her that I have to sleep and she too should sleep as both of us have office later that day. She said that her sleep has gone completely (means she wants to talk) but who are we kidding? Both of us know that we have nothing to talk (or so much to talk that we don’t have that much time). By the way she seemed happy and I am happy for her.

PS. I am all over Srikanto Acharya. Listening to this.

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