Sinner’s Afterthought

I am a sinner. Even before I committed the sin, it has always been hard for me to be in the society. My social awkwardness always made it difficult for me to stand others. So I pushed them away. Sometimes knowingly. Sometimes unknowingly. I didn’t feel bad about it. I was too comfortable with it.

After the sin I feel different. The comfort is gone and has been replaced by a sudden sense of emptiness. Not that the sin I committed was the first sin that has ever been committed. Nor it was the first after acts started getting classified and judged as sin. I classified (and judged) my act as sin because people would say so. I know them. That is why I am not comfortable around them.

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I feel restless and light. Carrying the weight of a sin is tiring and demanding. It is making me guilty and less confident. I don’t want to feel guilty, It is better to be confident when you hate humanity.

There is a conflict. My feelings and my cynicism contradict each other. They are flawed. Feelings. Cynicism. Human Nature. My thoughts tell me to hate every person in that mirror. To judge them, To make fun of them. Yet I loathe myself of the sin – conceptualised by the same people I love to hate. This clearly exhibits my latent need of social acceptance. I am scared that if people know that I am a sinner they will hate me or make fun of me or both.

I try to avoid these parties because of their necessity to participate, but free booze helps. This party was comparatively easy to me. I was on my own, judging and smiling and sipping my single malt. Being easy does not come easy. It needs years of practice, ignorance and at least two doubles of fine spirit. But after the sin, the part air has become too dense to breathe in. I know that everyone in this party is a sinner. The black man in the green suit who keeps on gulping fine scotch and fine kebabs, sometimes both at the same time, is a sinner. And so is the lady in the red dress. She is too sophisticated, too pretty and too thin. I have to go and talk to her. I have to regain my confidence, quickly.

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Epiphany. I found the solution to my problem. They cannot know that I am a sinner. But my face reveals everything. It is reeking of guilt. How can I betray myself to fool others? There are two ways. One way is to forget about the sin. If I don’t remember the sin, I will not feel bad about it. I will let the sin vanish in thin air. Then I will be able to pretend to be happy, happily. I will be confident again. Ready to hate the society, again. But it is a time consuming process. The more you do not want to think, the more it haunts you.

Or I can use my second option, my plan B. It is rather easy. Short and simple. I have to convince myself that I am not the sinner. People get comfortable with their sin once they have established the logical context where it is not a sin anymore. I know people. They are all sinners, both women and men. Once they have all the equations and theorems to prove that the sin is not a sin after all, the facial expression of guilt, marked by a twisted nose and a frown, suddenly disappears. The feeling of guilt ceases to exist. It is easy for me. I would just pretend nothing happened. I have to just plead ‘not guilty’ to myself.

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And I have to promise myself that I will not commit the sin again. At least not in public. I will never fart again. God Promise!

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Sweet n Sour

freedom-bird

I was a free bird. I am. I have big wings. I loved to fly. More than the flying I love to solve aerodynamics problem with wings spread wide.

She promised a lot. Promised me to let me fly whenever I wanted. Promised me not to touch my aerodynamics notebook ever. Promised me a bright future and new cage.

After twelve years a slave and innumerable ‘What-If’ Analyses…

Me: I don’t like you anymore. You have turned sour.

She: But grapes are sour too. And you love grapes.

Me: And so are lemons, but lemon and grapes have long legs and OMG lips. They both are presentable and eatable. Lemons and Grapes are naturally tangy. You are not even close to Tang.

She: What about cherries? You licked them so much.

Me: They are not red anymore. They have turned black.

She: And the berries?

Me: They are not black anymore. I like Apple better. Apple is sweet.

She: But I am sweet!!

Me: No sugar, you are not.

She: You can’t do this to me. All birds are dogs. I have lost faith in humanity.

Me: Tell me about it. I lost my faith in humanity when Kick made over 100 cr. You are late baby.

Err…Wait…How are we all dogs?

She: I donno. Dogs are adorable.

Me: You are adorable. Sour and adorable. Sour adorable bitch.

Freedom

P.S. This is nothing fancy. Just an abstract abstract of the conversation between a bird and his master Miss Canine Lovelace, affectionately known among her peers as Lady Loveless. If you are still overthinking you have too much time to waste. Go watch hindi movie.

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Can’t be better

All beautiful things are worth taking pain for.

I have always found that love is overrated. No I am not a cynic, rather a realist. I have been in and out of relationships and I have witnessed the love fade away. That being said I have also witnessed the so called eternal love stories where they are in deep and blind love, they get married and live happily ever after. But adjustments do form an important part of a ‘healthy’ and long lasting relationship.

I also think that love cannot be among equals. Either one has to love down while the other loves up. If equals do fall for each other their equality may become the issue of conflicts arising from most unexpected of the situations. This loving up & down creates two categories. The ‘good enough’ and the ‘can’t be better’.

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Nisa and Avik fell in love in their college days. They were the perfect example of the borrowed concept of high school sweethearts. Although they were jealousy inducing couple and seemed perfect and were popular among their peers, their friends had a tingling feeling whenever they encountered them hand-in-hand. This was probably because Nisa is dark-skinned and Avik is milky-white, Nisa was an average student while Avik was comparatively intellectually élite. In India where fairness is a measure of beauty and beauty is a measure of love, these kind of relationships are rare. It is rare to see a dark-skinned woman with a ‘fair & handsome’ man. We have been brought up in a society where men are stereotyped as tall, dark, handsome while women have to be fair. Nisa and Avik broke norms. Moral of the story is that according to clichéd beauty concepts Avik is ‘better’ than Nisa and that probably disturbed their friends at some level. But it was impossible to discuss these issues forget about voicing them. They were both engineers, belonged to modern society, wore branded attires and were going to work in an IT giant. Talking ‘trash’ did not suit them.

Nisa was a beautiful woman. She was big bosomed lady and had equally attractive waist line. She knew that she is a head turner which was enhanced by her unquestionable dressing sense. She was perky and could easily make friends. She was soft and used to cry for no reason. Her friends adored her, both men and women. She loved splurging, shopping and smiling. Apart from the fact that everyone knew she was already taken which she voiced with pride, she always acted innocent which made it very difficult for guys hitting on her. But men will be men and she has received her fair share of attention, love-letters and gawking.

Avik was a one of those guys who looked ruggedly handsome in carefully careless scanty beard. He was fair, tall and muscular. His rimless glasses made him even more irresistible. But he was above and beyond looking good. He was intelligent and he was one of the top performers in Nisa’s college. He will truly make you believe that ‘God is unfair’. Avik has also received his ‘fair’ share of attention, love-letters and gawking.

Both Nisa and Avik got placed from campus in Intellitech Consultancy Services, the biggest ITES Company in India and that is where they met Nikhil. Nikhil was a jovial chap. He always maintained a balance between his studies and fun. He paid due attention to his female colleagues but when it came to studies or work he was more than serious. He knew that he was not a brainiac and always tried to compensate it with his hard work and sheer dedication. He had a good sense of humour and easily became friends with Avik and Nisa.

Avik was careerist and within few weeks into their training he started teaching a whole batch of new joinees on the request of his beautiful HR. Company is a totally different ball game when compared to college. Nisa may have enjoyed her popularity because of her big bosom and bigger heart, but at Intellitech the number of girls around increased threefold. They came from all the corners of India in all sizes, shapes and moods and that meant an increased competition and increased sense of insecurity for Nisa. But Nisa was a smart girl and she made a lot of friends, apart from Nikhil. Her insecurity was also diminished by the apathy of Avik towards girls.

After training Avik got a high profile project due to his performance during the training. Both Nisa and Nikhil were benched. Those days were dreamy for Nisa as she got regular salary as pocket money which she spent on more dresses and more. Nikhil got frustrated in those days listening to constant chatter of Nisa. Luckily after about three months they got the same project and same work profile. Nikhil was a guy and he knew the importance of a career. Quickly he assumed a lot of responsibilities and became a dependable employee in the project. Nisa with her laid-back attitude tried to cope up with the corporate life venting out her frustration due to work pressure though frequent exhibition of tears. Nikhil was always there as a friend to wipe them and provide comfort. He considered it as an added responsibility given that his friend Avik was always busy.

The chemistry between Nikhil and Nisa was very much visible to other colleagues in the project and they started teasing them. ‘You are lucky bloke that she is your friend.’ ‘At least introduce us once, we will take care of the rest.’ Nikhil enjoyed the attention as it provided a much-needed relief from the work pressure and answered them with a stupid smile. ‘She is just a friend’, which added more fuel to the fire.

‘You have a thing for him, isn’t it?’ Her boss once said, in front of Nikhil. Nikhil smiled stupidly and tried to ignore her. Nisa was smart and innocent. ‘O, Stop you. Don’t spread or believe these rumours. He is just like my brother.’ Nisa said casually pointing at Nikhil. This really irritated Nikhil. He hated girls who called him like-brother. ‘Don’t ever do that. Don’t ever call me your brother. I am not your brother and I have no intention of being one. I have a sister and she is more than enough. It is like you have a feeling for me and you want to shadow it with a pseudo-relationship tag. “Brother” is an invisible chastity belt for girls. Don’t you worry. Avik is my good friend and I will never hit on you.’

‘Okay, Okay you love birds. Stop fighting. Go to your cubicles and start work now’, their boss stopped the whole thing before it went out of hand. In the meantime Avik was learning and growing really fast in the organisation, but in IT services companies, however big they may be, stagnation dawned as quickly as you learn. Avik switched companies along with city. He got a lucrative offer from Mango Inc., a California-based tech product company. He shifted his base to Bengaluru, the city to be.

Nisa cried again. This time her boss also consoled her along with Nikhil. ‘Stop crying all the time. He will be fine and you can visit him once a month. I will sanction your leave. Now stop your sob.’ But she didn’t and Nikhil was confused this time. ‘What will be the correct and best way to make her stop crying,’ he thought. Her boss tried again. ‘Okay tell me what do you want to be in life?’ ‘I wanted to be an actress.’ Nikhil smiled and thought she would have made a beautiful and successful one. ‘But I can’t, because I am dark. So now I want to be a housewife. I want to marry Avik soon and want to spend money, a lot,’ she said with muffed voice trying desperately to breathe, sob and talk, all at once. ‘But now there is even more distance between us.’

After Avik left the city life became busy for all of them. Nikhil and Nisa found less time to talk to each other. Office colleagues got bored of teasing them once they sensed the futility of their venture and Nisa’s commitment. Nisa also cried less and dropped tears only in case of serious issues like periods, dandruff, unsolvable bug and bad lunch. ‘You are becoming mature’, teased Nikhil at their daily meet during lunch. She smiled and ate silently.

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Nisa has not cried for a long long time, may be weeks. One day, out of the blue the tears reappeared. ‘What happened this time? Did they put extra salt in the sambhar?’ asked Nikhil to cheer her up. She didn’t say anything.

‘O, come on now. Stop crying and speak up’

‘My parents want me to marry’

‘So? Ask Avik to marry you. What is the problem here?’

‘He doesn’t want to marry this soon.’

‘Tell your parents to wait a little then.’

‘I don’t want to wait. I don’t know if I am good enough for him. What if he finds a new one?’

‘If you love him you have to trust him. You have to wait.’ She kept mum.

‘You love him, right?’ She didn’t speak a word. ‘Tell me.’

‘I don’t know.’

This made Nikhil muddled and bold. ‘Then why are you stuck with him? You are beautiful. You can get a lot of guys.’

‘That guy can’t be better than him’

P.S. All characters are fictitious and there is no damn doubt about it.

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Reasons to be back

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Listing the reasons for me being back on ‘Baked Stale’ may take time but lemme tell you the main reason. “I am a different person now” and yes its true. I have been exposed to a lot of new things which I didn’t know. I have come across people, places and platforms that has left me awestruck. Since I am going to leave LIBA in a couple of days this post deserves to blabber a bit about LIBA and the Digital Marketing Management in particular. DMM was a time pass course for me which I took for only fulfilling my credits (Honest Confession) but to my amazement the exposure to new things, new technology, new platforms that I received from the course was incomparable and very appealing to my pseudo nerdy soul. My present project is to try out all the social media platforms in which I have been dormant e.g Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Youtube etc and the best thing is that it is not a part of curriculum. Not only there is completely new and exciting world out there (for me!!) I was also taken about by their usage in personal branding. Now I can very proudly say that I have few followers in both Twitter and Pinterest. The companies are also integrating their campaign in different social media platforms. Urge you all to follow me asap.

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iPad selfie

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March 23, 2014 · 8:56 pm

Vande Mataram

“I just want to sleep. A coma would be nice. Or amnesia. Anything, just to get rid of this, these thoughts, whispers in my mind. Did he rape my head, too?”

I am proud of being an Indian. I am proud that I spent substantial time of life in Bihar. When I was in Delhi it made me proud that my country has a capital with superb metro service and superb eateries. I am proud that NCR boasts of three women being molested or raped everyday in NCR source. And funny thing is, I write the definition of feminism in my GSB (aptly named Government, Society and Business) examination for marks. In this blog you will find a lot of hate posts about women. Now that makes me a true Indian. A guy growing up in booming India, in his mid twenties, having a distorted image of women. Aah I am so proud to be in that category.

Last time when I wrote a about the Kolkata rape case, it was not out of anger. It was out of shame. Now I am so apathetic about it that I don’t feel even shame. Rather I feel pride. Rambling on Facebook, Twitter and Blog is my best way of feeling proud. My pathetic attention deficit syndrome has finally compelled me to change my DP on FB and I have updated it with a pic that clearly depicts that I am not one of ‘them’. I am cool. I am different. I am thinking that I am going to buy a T-shirt that says “Real men don’t rape’. They blog – I muttered. I know I am writing this to show off to get more likes from girls than boys. I am one of those middle class boys who grew up in a society of suppressed sexuality. That is why I gawk at girls as a piece of meat with my fellow friends. But let me forget the blame game here and feel the pride. I am a true Indian who sitting in a cozy room in Chennai with constant internet connection, is writing shit on his pirated MS Word. After this I will lit a cigarette, post the blog and go on discussing girls of my college and how they looked today. That is not pathetic. That is true Indian pride talking.

I LOL-ed on the fact that people are writing sorry to Damini. Why say sorry? She deserved it. That’s a gift from an Indian to a fellow Indian. She was barely called by her name in media. She is always objectified as the victim. Now that portrayal will surely evoke emotions within us. She was just news and will fade away easily. Busy life, busy people. Busy in raising children, rapists. Few hours ago somebody posted that the ‘victim’ died. Aah that’s a relief. Now I can go back to my hilarious posts on ‘December Fool’s day’ and all Mayan Calendar shit. We make jokes on ‘end of the world’. No one realises that India is already dead.

-Fellow proud self-loathing Indian

[Thinking about the next doomsday joke – the ‘in’ thing]

P.S. Vande Mataram means I salute to (my) mother. Did you note that India is also a woman?

Few readings for reflection :

Why Indian men rape

Dear Victim

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Long time…no see

Greed – excessive desire to acquire or possess more (especially more material wealth) than one needs or deserves avarice: reprehensible acquisitiveness; insatiable desire for wealth (personified as one of the deadly sins)

Wiki Answers

I have been watching….oh wait lemme rephrase that.

I have been re-watching ‘The Big Bang Theory’ and I must admit that I get enthralled every time by the characterisation of Sheldon Cooper. If you are wondering why a Barney Fan is rambling about Cooper (Yeah, that’s the way I like it, far better than Shelly) and that too on Baked Stale which is famous for rambling and whining. Did I say ‘famous’? Must have been a slip of thought. BTW Baked Stale has been receiving consistent traffic even when I was away from her (4 visits per day on an average…I know, lots of people are whimsical).

Enough of blowing own trumpet and lemme come back to the reason why I am rambling about Cooper. In the 4th season there is an episode called ‘Fever’ (19th episode) where somebody robs Cooper’s WOW account. And those of you who are not World of Warcraft fan, trust me, it’s a reeaallyy big deal. Now after watching the episode I thought to myself what may be the possible reason for being an asshole. ‘Greed’ is what comes to the mind instantly. But I asked myself ‘Is greed the answer?’ And then I asked ‘Is greed the only answer?’

As Gurucharan Das says:
When Raju crossed the line from his cheerful and familiar world of open and competitive capitalism into the dark nether regions of crony capitalism, he was no longer in control. He had walked from the transparent world of reformed India into the shadowy underworld of unreformed India, whose rules are set by crooked politicians. Why did he do it? Greed is too easy an answer. It might have been hubris, like Duryodhana’s in the Mahabharata, who thought he was master of the universe and could get away with anything. It is easy to believe your infallibility when everyone in Hyderabad tells you so.

The difficulty of being good

Greed is part of the reason, but it gives a very incomplete imagery of the intention of taking away something from a different person e.g. robbing WOW accounts. What else is in it? I think along with greed there is a superiority complex (I suffer from that a lot) and narcissist alter ego that may come into play. I do admit that every single person is greedy and conceited in one way or the other, consciously or subconsciously, but the fact remains that the man who steals (even with the availability of possible alternative) has an exaggerated image of self portrayal.

The scams, in India and throughout the world, clearly depicts that material gain is not the sole reason behind a herculean goof up. The people behind these scams had better ways to live and behave. But they chose a path of cheating and deceiving under the illusion of their superior stature. We should note that most of the people who are involved in big scams are generally educated, talented and successful. They are ambitious and worked hard to get a position of power. ‘With great power comes great responsibility’. Sadly they misused their power forgetting the fact that in this world of information overload, hiding is a tough task. It is not greed that accuses Google for being evil and tracking its users. It’s the power which drives them (and the funny thing is we can’t do anything about it).

I think if somebody gets power enough to misuse it for harming others then it is merely a curse. Lessons have to be learnt or else history will be told.

P.S. Excuse the excessive usage of visual imagery as the post lacks substantial literary value.

P.S.S. Staying in my college made me realise that we are not living in post liberalisation era.

P.S.S.S. FUNFACT

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