How to woo girls – A loser’s guide

 

Wooing girls has always been considered as an art. It needs passion, endurance, inborn capabilities and lots and lots of practice. I thought to myself, why not analyse this art and prepare a synopsis for a cookbook. I am an expert (certification and 97.5 patents pending with the cupid).

After lots of analysis, closed room discussions with myself and my beer bottle (and belly) and incessant staring at the stars I have reached to a revealing conclusion. The conclusion is whether a guy is interested or not interested in a girl he will behave to impress a girl, without fail. He will behave according to the strategy he has created from his teens (or way before), the strategy (may or may not have been successful) which he thinks fits him the best and which will (in his own small world) make a girl go crazy (and wet). So I have decided to categorise guys and look for the girl which will suit you the best. For starters I do believe that ‘opposites attract’.  People always try to look person who has all the qualities they have only dreamt about in themselves. So here is a small excerpt. The cookbook is still cooking (baking to be exact).

The decent devils

These guys are like coconut or melons. Tough from outside and sissy soft from inside. He will always act rowdy in front of others and will talk softly to each and every girl he meets. The girl community will form and opinion that you are very decent and you will always try to break their belief. This has a dual advantage. You can do whatever you want and still be considered as a ‘good’ guy.

If you do feel that you are one of these kind then watch a lot of movies based on split personality (like Fight Club, Spider Man or Secret Window). These movies will enrich you and portray you as a pseudo-intellectual loser stud. And believe me pseudo-intellectualism is a huge head-turner for most of the women. The girl which will suit you is typical ‘ghar-ki-bahu/behenji’ types. These girls will be super committed and will also allow you to act rowdy. You can actually make fun of them in front of everybody and they will not mind. Isn’t that a cool way to satisfy tour piggish little ego?

The BiKing Boys

Ah..you have a spelndor,passion,FZ,fazer,apache,pulsar then you are ready for a go. Girls love bikes. At least, most of them. They love the fluttering of their hair sitting on the pinion while the chauffer guy escorts them to a mall. These guys pretend that they don’t care about mileage and can drive bhery bhery fast. And they can even drive a bike keeping their both hands in air (old school?).

If you do fall in this category then spend minimal on yourself, because the girls whom you are going to patofy are very expensive (financially and emotionally). But there are certain tricks. You kind of girls love movies and ice-cream. So in that case you have to spare pend only Fridays with them. Rest of the week they are busy gossiping.

The farting flirts

These are the guys who think farting in front of girl is damn cute. Their fart is always those sweet and dangerous. They have a small *beeep* sound or a sweet humming sound which comes out momentarily from their rear window.

If you fall in this category you should and would look for a girl who smokes or the one who loves to smell. One who smokes will never complain because her olfactory glands have lost their sensitivity to smell (hope their other glands are working). The one who loves to smell will go crazy about you as she not only loves you but you as a complete person with all the intangible (and abstract) qualities you have. If you really want to keep (or woo) this girl eat a lot of cabbage and radish and cauliflower. This kind of diet will keep your relationship in balance.

The handsome hunk

These kinds spend hours in gym and more hours shaving their armpits. They smell good and taste even better (no personal experience cited). They have an obsession for sunglasses. They have feeling that they can woo every girl and believe me, at the end of the day, they can.

So, you fall in this category. Feeling lucky about your genes and mirror eh? If you do belong here then keep a comb and mirror (the ones sold in local trains) always with yourself, you may not get a washroom to look good everywhere. You should always look for a girl with super-model looks. You don’t have to care about the words like ‘cultured’ and ‘classy’ because your girl will never bother about them. She will be too proud of herself and too engrossed in her shallowness and facial (no pun intended). And don’t forget to worship Hrithik. When your girl screams ‘OOHH MY GAWD’ in the bed, she is actually referring to Hrithik.

The Mama’s boy

These kinds of guys take permission from home to go to pee. They use local transport to travel and never have driven a bike because it is too dangerous (as his mom says).Specifically suited for arranged marriages, these guys love their family and cheating does not appear in their dictionary. Their body structure can range from too lean to guys with dudeterus.

If you fall in this group and brave enough to accept it then ‘salute’. You should look out for an independent girl who loves freedom. The girl should have a Royal Enfield so that you can capture her pinion. Remember Deepika in ‘Karthik calling Karthik’? And she should never ever wear a saree. She should teach you to drink whiskey and act as your second mom. She should take you out for a stroll every day in the evening for some fresh air.

The frustrated frat

These kind of guys are super shy and super duper frustrated losers. They always hang in groups and can be spotted in different malls passionately pursuing their hobby ie. Girl watching. They may even fall in love and will wait for a glimpse of the girl of their dreams but will never ever have the guts to talk.

So if you are this kind of loser then it is probable that you masturbate a lot (and I can’t define lot). And you are so egoistic that you are actually waiting for a girl who would come up to you and fall on your feet. You, my friend need medication or a bold girl. You are looking for a girl who (and her commitment) will be your asset to flaunt. Best of Luck with that.

The ‘I don’t care ones’

These guys are also seen in bunch and they feel like pride of lions. They think show that they don’t care a shit about girls (but are not considered gay) but secretly try to get a girls attention. Actually they are the hungriest kind and their every move is targeted to woo girls.

If, my friend, you are here then believe me you just need a goddamn girl. You are not racist and don’t believe in discrimination of opposite sex based on caste, colour, creed, whims and size. The day a girl will give you the tiniest amount of ‘patta’, you will run to the nearest temple to pay homage to God.

The Best Friends

These guys are a more like girls (not gay). They always hang around with bunch of girls and are best friends with many of them. They cry and share feelings. They are very well behaved and open minded (at least it seems so).

If you are one of these, then don’t worry. You will get a girl. You will always be the backup plan of you best friends. So as soon as your friend goes through a breakup jump along and if you are lucky then she may even consider you. And if you are the reason of their breakup then you are screwed, because even if she breaks up with that guy you will always carry the tag of best friend throughout your life.

The list is not exhaustive and the categorisation above can be elaborated and bent in many ways.

I know that most of the guys will deny that they fall in any of the category above but the girls will know that some way or the other they do resemble, may be the tiniest amount.

Visual Effects

The title of the post is a bit random and inappropriate. It should be ‘Visual Love’ rather than ‘Visual Effects’, but I will stick to it is catchy. Or rather ‘Effects of Visual Love’. Visual Love is part of human life. We all are victims of it (and sometimes the object of love too). We fall in love and fantasize every visible object around us. Compared to the so-called ‘real-love’, this kind of love has time constraints. Visual Love can vary in timespan from few seconds to days to few hours to max-a-month. But that is it. Not more than that. May be that’s the beauty of it. Momentary pleasure and eternal lingering. Gawking and increase in heartbeat may seem mutually exclusive but the combination is deadly. Just imagine that particular moment when you see a person in local train, bus, lift, lobby, tv and you fall in love. Instantly. And the person is gone by the end of the day or at the end of an overnight slumber. Funny but true story. But some visual loves do take a long time to forget and touches lives.

Patna

Abhi knows he is a victim. Victim of random planetary movements. She did not come to the coaching. He has been waiting for over an hour. Her class ends at 6:00 pm, he knows that for sure. He never misses a chance to have a glimpse of her. This can be his last chance. He hates the fact that his dad is getting transferred to Bombay. He will have to appear for Boards from there only. Again change of schools and new friends. His dad has promised him ‘no transfers’ after his boards. But he does not want to leave patna. He first saw her one month back when he was coming out of R.K.Singh Coaching classes and she was entering Acme Sureshot Coaching, just across the road. Since then he has been on time. Monday, Wednesday, Friday 5 to 6 in the evening he will wait just to have a glimpse of her. He did not want her look at her. He was too scared. She never looked. He does not know her name. He knows very well the he is a non-existent person in her life but thanked God that at least their coaching classes’ routine coincides. But today is his last day in Patna. They are leaving tomorrow morning. So to have a last glimpse he drove his cycle and waited. Waited for more than an hour. It is 6:30 now. She has not come. Her friends, talked, giggled and left. He has to go home now or his dad will be very angry and his mother will be very anxious. He loved his mom and was scared of his dad. He left or he will miss tomorrow morning’s train.

Kolkata

That feeling of missing a train is coming back to Dia. She hated that. She has always been a dizzy headed, rom com lover girl. She loved it when a single random guy pays attention to her. She feels like a princess. Back in college there was a dearth of decent guys and she had even started believing that decent guys don’t exist. But after joining this MNC everything changed. World is different now and it is filled with random cute, lovable and decent creatures known as men. Or were all them same, seeming decent in branded outfits? She wondered. Lunch time is the best time in her tiring day full of work. At that time she can spot him. He ate from 1:30 to 2:00 pm, sat at the same place, and had fun with his colleagues.  She always entered the canteen at 2:00 so that she can have a glimpse of him. Just a glimpse. No more no less. She does not want to be a stalker. Or is she? She wondered. Her mother has been pushing her for marriage from the very moment she got the job. She knows that in her hometown, patna,  girls are considered burden and she hated that. She wants a decent guy who knows how to respect women, and she thought Bengalis are decent. She loved the city Kolkata and its spirit and its men. But that one particular man has caught her eye. She thought, he has the cutest bum and sexiest jawline in the office. But she never got a chance to talk to him. How can she, being a girl. She did not know his name and moreover he has never, ever looked at him, not even for a millisecond.

That feeling of missing a train is coming back. She fears that she will again start asking the question ‘what if’. The question has bothered her from her teens. She still misses the guy who evidently stalked her for a month. She was so scared initially that she thought of going to the police or her impending boards would have been ruined. Later she realised that the guy has no guts to go up to her and talk. She waited, and waited until one day he disappeared.

She will not let this happen this time. She decided that she will get his employee id and will mail the canteen guy. Her colleagues told her that it’s pretty lame to send an e-mail, rather she should ping him. And she did.

Hi

-Hi

I am dia.

-I am Kush.

5^th floor. Your building.

-I know dia. You have been stalking me for the last one month in the canteen.

What an asshole!!! Decent? My foot.

Bombay

‘Passengers of Kingfisher 3571, from Bombay to Patna, are requested to head to gate no 4 for check-in.’- the loudspeaker announced in a robotic droning voice with a faint touch of femininity. Abhi is going to Patna after 10 years to attend one of his friend’s wedding. He stood up and started picking up his luggage. As he was waiting for his turn in the queue, he spotted a couple in the queue expressing their love openly. He hated queues and couples cuddling in public. He waited impatiently for his turn. He hated the couple, may be because he is still single and going to attend a marriage.

The wedding was lavish. The groom, his long-time friend was a writer and the bride was an investment banker. They met on facebook and fell in love. ‘What a tragedy’, Abhi thought. He is still single and looking for love. May be he should get one of those profiles on facebook thingy. His taste was too old fashioned. He tried to mingle with his old friends from Patna with a glass of Smirnoff Vodka and lime soda in his hand.

‘Hey dude, remember that chick’.

The words were addressed to him by a fat guy whose name he forgot, the third time in the evening. He was least interested in looking at a random chick at his friend’s wedding and seem desperate.

‘That’s Dia and her husband Kush. They live in bambai now. Remember you stalked her for like a month. Dude you were pathetic back then.’

Those words caught his interest. He looked at them and realised that they were the same couple from airport queue.

‘I am pathetic even now’, he thought and hated the couple more. And then he smiled.

Bicycle thief

I am very conventional. Just realised. I like to play by rules and get really upset if it does not go by my plans. Although I am a Piscean (which should attribute ‘unconventional’ as my trait) I do like old stuffs.

I am still in love with Nokia and keypads where the world has moved on to Androids and touch-screens. I know what you will say – a little touch does no harm, but I can’t help it, I am touchy. I still use coconut oil on my hair and brush my teeth with Colgate regularly, both. I like to wake up early in the morning to feel the sunrise (although the change in my routine has not allowed me to do that lately). I like reading books in paper than pad. I like to do it in Indian style more than in western style or I like the missionary more (I hope you got the picture). I still think that charm and wit woos women, or I don’t know, does it? Let us keep the controversy part apart. I still use Windows and surf on Firefox. I have been using them for the last 5 years or so. I think fans are better than air conditioners, sleeper class with open windows are far better than secluded coupe and I prefer normal water than chilled, purified, sparkling…one. I think running and martial arts are far better than gym. I get upset when somebody does not share his/her share of pizza with me and feel bad when somebody asks me to share mine. What I am saying is I like being conventional.

Few weeks back my whim convinced me that I should get a bike. Well now that the plan is on hold, I miss my bicycle. Bicycle, to me, seems more manly. I have many good and some bad memories connected to my two, no wait, three bicycles. Got new one after the previous was stolen. When I used to ride them I felt like a king. It felt like a part of me. Speed was controlled by frantic, sometimes subtle, manoeuvre of paddles with my legs. And the brakes…woooooh God I loved my brakes. They were the ultimate life saver in some extremely narrow situations. The skidding tyres and flying dust was the ultimate cool thing back then. Winning a cycle race in my locality was the only medal of superiority. I fell down sometimes off my bicucle when I was being too harsh to her, but it also came to me with a prize. The peeling off of the dry crust formed on the skin due to injury gave ultimate satisfaction (both pain and pleasure at the same time:)). Everything has changed now. Teens and kids today want a bike before they get their senses put together. Speeding up on the highway seems better than speeding up down the lanes (that also by the use of some wrist turning than leg movement). Gawd, bicycles were ossum and I don’t have any grudges against biking or the pollution they are causing (air and sound).

I am going to get my bike someday, till then lovya my bicycle (has been in eternal love since a kid/teen).

That little thing called ‘Change’

Today when I was with one of colleague, way back to my room which consists of 4 walls and a loo, around 8:30 pm which is way early compared to my office timing standards, I realised something. I realised that I am now a big boy. Not a boy but a man. I hate that.

I want to relive my childhood when I was carefree, used to play cricket. I know that my present friends will never believe that I used to play and follow Indian cricket like a maniac because presently I cannot even name 5 cricketers in the present Indian squad except for Sachin, the God. I used to feel restless if I didn’t go out on a particular evening with my neighbourhood friends with bat and ball. Although I wore specs at that time also but I never felt it as a hindrance to my athletic endeavours. I used to crave for watching TV and nearly begged and cried to my parents to get us a cable connection. I admit I was a stealer. I used to steal few bucks every day from my dad’s pocket to buy Boomer or BigBabol. I got a hard beating for getting caught, twice. I was stubborn. I am. I used to follow Shaktimaan and his ‘choti choti magar moti baatein’ religiously. I used to get scared after watching ‘Ahaat’ but wasn’t able to stop myself to get a glimpse of it, as I used to sleep alone in a room.

I want to relive my teenage when I was The Dude. My bicycle was the fastest vehicle ever made and I loved it more when it flew past the vehicles with a couple of more tyres. I used to look at girls in our school as well as in the buses of other schools. I used to wear elastic pants (I called them pants not trousers) and a spectacle rope or loop around my neck to prevent it from falling (I hate my parents’ sense of fashion). When filling up a girl’s slam book was the only thing. When I used to worship Sharukh Khan (I do it now too). I got a serious rebuke from my parents when they caught me writing a love letter for my friend (he insisted me) the night before my computers examination. BTW I scored 99/100 in that.. :). I hated the first guy in the class and the second guy was my best friend. I was third.

Now I am a big tough guy. I live independently in a metro. Work in an MNC. Earn handsomely. I pay my own bills and rent. I travel alone. I have fun with my friends. I visit home occasionally, to be treated like a king. I take responsibilities. Decide my life and others’ on my own. Meet deadlines, ensure quality. Get frustrated over my job and plan a new way, every day, to switch to other job or go for further education. I smoke. I drink. I pretend to be intellectual and knowledgeable. I have a girlfriend. I had sex. Travelled to different cities. Flew a couple of times and spent my own money. Saved enough to buy me this laptop and get a net connection. Started blogging. I go to gym. I eat consciously and get frustrated when I don’t get a good night sleep before and after a long day of work. I watch a lot of English movies and listen to angrezi songs. I miss home food. I still watch girls, they are irresistible (of course with a sense fo guilt.. :)).

I realised in the lift that only one thing in this life is constant. And that little thing, my friend, is called ‘change’.