How to woo girls – A loser’s guide

 

Wooing girls has always been considered as an art. It needs passion, endurance, inborn capabilities and lots and lots of practice. I thought to myself, why not analyse this art and prepare a synopsis for a cookbook. I am an expert (certification and 97.5 patents pending with the cupid).

After lots of analysis, closed room discussions with myself and my beer bottle (and belly) and incessant staring at the stars I have reached to a revealing conclusion. The conclusion is whether a guy is interested or not interested in a girl he will behave to impress a girl, without fail. He will behave according to the strategy he has created from his teens (or way before), the strategy (may or may not have been successful) which he thinks fits him the best and which will (in his own small world) make a girl go crazy (and wet). So I have decided to categorise guys and look for the girl which will suit you the best. For starters I do believe that ‘opposites attract’.  People always try to look person who has all the qualities they have only dreamt about in themselves. So here is a small excerpt. The cookbook is still cooking (baking to be exact).

The decent devils

These guys are like coconut or melons. Tough from outside and sissy soft from inside. He will always act rowdy in front of others and will talk softly to each and every girl he meets. The girl community will form and opinion that you are very decent and you will always try to break their belief. This has a dual advantage. You can do whatever you want and still be considered as a ‘good’ guy.

If you do feel that you are one of these kind then watch a lot of movies based on split personality (like Fight Club, Spider Man or Secret Window). These movies will enrich you and portray you as a pseudo-intellectual loser stud. And believe me pseudo-intellectualism is a huge head-turner for most of the women. The girl which will suit you is typical ‘ghar-ki-bahu/behenji’ types. These girls will be super committed and will also allow you to act rowdy. You can actually make fun of them in front of everybody and they will not mind. Isn’t that a cool way to satisfy tour piggish little ego?

The BiKing Boys

Ah..you have a spelndor,passion,FZ,fazer,apache,pulsar then you are ready for a go. Girls love bikes. At least, most of them. They love the fluttering of their hair sitting on the pinion while the chauffer guy escorts them to a mall. These guys pretend that they don’t care about mileage and can drive bhery bhery fast. And they can even drive a bike keeping their both hands in air (old school?).

If you do fall in this category then spend minimal on yourself, because the girls whom you are going to patofy are very expensive (financially and emotionally). But there are certain tricks. You kind of girls love movies and ice-cream. So in that case you have to spare pend only Fridays with them. Rest of the week they are busy gossiping.

The farting flirts

These are the guys who think farting in front of girl is damn cute. Their fart is always those sweet and dangerous. They have a small *beeep* sound or a sweet humming sound which comes out momentarily from their rear window.

If you fall in this category you should and would look for a girl who smokes or the one who loves to smell. One who smokes will never complain because her olfactory glands have lost their sensitivity to smell (hope their other glands are working). The one who loves to smell will go crazy about you as she not only loves you but you as a complete person with all the intangible (and abstract) qualities you have. If you really want to keep (or woo) this girl eat a lot of cabbage and radish and cauliflower. This kind of diet will keep your relationship in balance.

The handsome hunk

These kinds spend hours in gym and more hours shaving their armpits. They smell good and taste even better (no personal experience cited). They have an obsession for sunglasses. They have feeling that they can woo every girl and believe me, at the end of the day, they can.

So, you fall in this category. Feeling lucky about your genes and mirror eh? If you do belong here then keep a comb and mirror (the ones sold in local trains) always with yourself, you may not get a washroom to look good everywhere. You should always look for a girl with super-model looks. You don’t have to care about the words like ‘cultured’ and ‘classy’ because your girl will never bother about them. She will be too proud of herself and too engrossed in her shallowness and facial (no pun intended). And don’t forget to worship Hrithik. When your girl screams ‘OOHH MY GAWD’ in the bed, she is actually referring to Hrithik.

The Mama’s boy

These kinds of guys take permission from home to go to pee. They use local transport to travel and never have driven a bike because it is too dangerous (as his mom says).Specifically suited for arranged marriages, these guys love their family and cheating does not appear in their dictionary. Their body structure can range from too lean to guys with dudeterus.

If you fall in this group and brave enough to accept it then ‘salute’. You should look out for an independent girl who loves freedom. The girl should have a Royal Enfield so that you can capture her pinion. Remember Deepika in ‘Karthik calling Karthik’? And she should never ever wear a saree. She should teach you to drink whiskey and act as your second mom. She should take you out for a stroll every day in the evening for some fresh air.

The frustrated frat

These kind of guys are super shy and super duper frustrated losers. They always hang in groups and can be spotted in different malls passionately pursuing their hobby ie. Girl watching. They may even fall in love and will wait for a glimpse of the girl of their dreams but will never ever have the guts to talk.

So if you are this kind of loser then it is probable that you masturbate a lot (and I can’t define lot). And you are so egoistic that you are actually waiting for a girl who would come up to you and fall on your feet. You, my friend need medication or a bold girl. You are looking for a girl who (and her commitment) will be your asset to flaunt. Best of Luck with that.

The ‘I don’t care ones’

These guys are also seen in bunch and they feel like pride of lions. They think show that they don’t care a shit about girls (but are not considered gay) but secretly try to get a girls attention. Actually they are the hungriest kind and their every move is targeted to woo girls.

If, my friend, you are here then believe me you just need a goddamn girl. You are not racist and don’t believe in discrimination of opposite sex based on caste, colour, creed, whims and size. The day a girl will give you the tiniest amount of ‘patta’, you will run to the nearest temple to pay homage to God.

The Best Friends

These guys are a more like girls (not gay). They always hang around with bunch of girls and are best friends with many of them. They cry and share feelings. They are very well behaved and open minded (at least it seems so).

If you are one of these, then don’t worry. You will get a girl. You will always be the backup plan of you best friends. So as soon as your friend goes through a breakup jump along and if you are lucky then she may even consider you. And if you are the reason of their breakup then you are screwed, because even if she breaks up with that guy you will always carry the tag of best friend throughout your life.

The list is not exhaustive and the categorisation above can be elaborated and bent in many ways.

I know that most of the guys will deny that they fall in any of the category above but the girls will know that some way or the other they do resemble, may be the tiniest amount.