I am a sinner. Even before I committed the sin, it has always been hard for me to be in the society. My social awkwardness always made it difficult for me to stand others. So I pushed them away. Sometimes knowingly. Sometimes unknowingly. I didn’t feel bad about it. I was too comfortable with it.
After the sin I feel different. The comfort is gone and has been replaced by a sudden sense of emptiness. Not that the sin I committed was the first sin that has ever been committed. Nor it was the first after acts started getting classified and judged as sin. I classified (and judged) my act as sin because people would say so. I know them. That is why I am not comfortable around them.
I feel restless and light. Carrying the weight of a sin is tiring and demanding. It is making me guilty and less confident. I don’t want to feel guilty, It is better to be confident when you hate humanity.
There is a conflict. My feelings and my cynicism contradict each other. They are flawed. Feelings. Cynicism. Human Nature. My thoughts tell me to hate every person in that mirror. To judge them, To make fun of them. Yet I loathe myself of the sin – conceptualised by the same people I love to hate. This clearly exhibits my latent need of social acceptance. I am scared that if people know that I am a sinner they will hate me or make fun of me or both.
I try to avoid these parties because of their necessity to participate, but free booze helps. This party was comparatively easy to me. I was on my own, judging and smiling and sipping my single malt. Being easy does not come easy. It needs years of practice, ignorance and at least two doubles of fine spirit. But after the sin, the part air has become too dense to breathe in. I know that everyone in this party is a sinner. The black man in the green suit who keeps on gulping fine scotch and fine kebabs, sometimes both at the same time, is a sinner. And so is the lady in the red dress. She is too sophisticated, too pretty and too thin. I have to go and talk to her. I have to regain my confidence, quickly.
Epiphany. I found the solution to my problem. They cannot know that I am a sinner. But my face reveals everything. It is reeking of guilt. How can I betray myself to fool others? There are two ways. One way is to forget about the sin. If I don’t remember the sin, I will not feel bad about it. I will let the sin vanish in thin air. Then I will be able to pretend to be happy, happily. I will be confident again. Ready to hate the society, again. But it is a time consuming process. The more you do not want to think, the more it haunts you.
Or I can use my second option, my plan B. It is rather easy. Short and simple. I have to convince myself that I am not the sinner. People get comfortable with their sin once they have established the logical context where it is not a sin anymore. I know people. They are all sinners, both women and men. Once they have all the equations and theorems to prove that the sin is not a sin after all, the facial expression of guilt, marked by a twisted nose and a frown, suddenly disappears. The feeling of guilt ceases to exist. It is easy for me. I would just pretend nothing happened. I have to just plead ‘not guilty’ to myself.
And I have to promise myself that I will not commit the sin again. At least not in public. I will never fart again. God Promise!