Pin prick a cocoon

Caution : This post may contain excessive usage of expletives which may not be apt for your kindergarten literary taste. So if you are a hypocrite and have an illusion of high self-esteem, just stop reading and fuck off.

Dedicated to all the sluts out there. (DRUMROLL)

Lemme tell you a fact and a little secret. It is a fact that I can talk to girls. Now that may not be an ossum fact for you guys who are pretty popular with the fairer sex but for an introvert like me it is a self-confidence booster. I can talk, make them laugh, make them feel comfortable and I am not gay. Now the secret is that I can’t talk back. I may seem pretty confident (sometimes over-confident) from time to time and scenario to scenario, but the truth is I cannot protest.

There is a page on facebook with the following name :

“I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it`s unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he`s a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she`s a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it`s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it`s a shitty lock. That shut her up..”

Everyone in my office knows that I went through a breakup couple of months back and I do gawk at girls (natural masculine phenomenon. Helpless!!), everywhere and fall in love every now and then. I am not a hypocrite and I do express my feelings openly. Is that a crime? At least I am not one of those who wants do an arrange marriage and will rape his wife on the first night. Long story, we will come to that shit later.

Story 1

Now some girls in my office are paying that ‘extra’ bit of attention towards me and I admit that I do enjoy it. But since I have the tiniest amount of courage when it comes to girls, so obviously the ‘extra’ attention is never encouraged by me (nor discouraged though :P). Those girls are either married or would be married or want to get married (and want to have a fling with me). Does that make me a bad person or a person who tries desperately to get girls? At least to them it does. Let me make this very clear that just because I had a breakup and am single (and have experience), does not mean I will sleep around for fun and allow you to look down on me. I am a guy with high self-esteem and an enviable (sometimes) dick. If you want to take it in your mouth (or wherever) then just don’t make me look like a slut. Believe me, in a normal Indian society, any guy who humps any animate (or inanimate) object in his way, he is not considered a legend, rather a guy with loose character.

So if you want the beak don’t call me weak.

Story 2

Just because I talk to you and laugh with you and like you, does not mean I am all over you. The thing that changed me from my last relationship is that, I can get out of any crush/love instantly and brutally (that was what has been done to me). So girl if you think just because I have given you some slightest indications doesn’t mean that I am panting like a dog to grab your boobs (although I would love to). Just because I like being with you does not mean you can treat me like your bitch (and ironically be the good person in everyone’s eye). And if you do, although you are not a guy, I will make you become one and then kick your balls (that would be so much fun). Libra may be the zodiac sign of classy people, but with a typical Bihari accent, believe me you are too crude for my taste. You are dumb and insensitive bitch with no sense of self-respect or taste. Being a Bong, gives me an inherent responsibility to make fun of people from your state. Now if you are not angry and want a good company (guaranteed), let us go and have some ‘chai and biskut’.

By the way, our mistress looks better than you.

Story 3

That slutty hypocrite, I hate her. Just to feel powerful, she boasts of the friend requests and slaps and tells lies. I sincerely hate her. She tries desperately to prove that she not a typical girl but trust me she is a perfect example of a girl. Typical girls dress up to gain attention and try desperately to show of her stern belief on feminism (without explicitly expressing it). She does that all and more. I am sitting beside you and accidentally you give me ‘that’ look. I innocently notice that my shoulder may have unknowingly brushed your boobs, SLIGHTLY. If you don’t trust we guys, and always think that we intentionally may eve tease you, then why the hell do you hang around with guys? Feel powerful eh?? Really, are you that weak? How can you be two-faced with a big innocent grin on your face? If you were born in a different world, with more girls than boys, unlike India with bad women to men ratio, you would have been perfectly treated. Here you can only be treated psychologically. Get yourself a doctor.

You are more pathetic than me. Ironical!!

Story 4

A girl’s parents were too eager to marry their daughter. In Indian society (at least most of it), girls are considered to be a burden. Don’t be illusioned by India’s political hierarchy with a feminine Numero Uno. India is still a country where girls are worshipped as well as raped. Unity in diversity. So, they put an ad in a matrimonial site, hence started the marketing of a fresh product. The product was picked up by prospective customers. And here the parents decide the customer they want to transfer their ownership of the product. A NRI customer, with a promising career in Silicon Valley is enough to make these parents’ jaw drop. The customer never sees the product, personally, before the transfer of ownership (popularly and deceivingly known as ‘marriage’). After the marriage, on the first night (and never a day, its full of light, fear of unmasking), it is customary for the customer to ‘test’ the product with his beak. As the customer is NRI, a general thought is that he has not dipped his dick for a long time. So throughout the night the girl, ahem, the product, gets exploited pretending to enjoy it. When ‘it’ is unable to bear anymore, she begs that she cannot take anymore. The customer being a generous fellow, stops. For five minutes. And resumes on the top. He will not stop even if tears roll out of the eyes of ‘it’.

Can we hang the customer, this guy, instead of Kasab?

I don’t pity girls who wait for the right and settle for wrong. I laugh at those, who ‘test/taste’ every right and wrong is what they deserve. I don’t care if you are princess or a self-conscious, insecure, pathetic loser who desperately tries to look like one, you will still not get respect from the core of my heart (although I can pretend). If you don’t deserve it, you will not fucking get it. Have some self-pity. Prescribed.

I told you, I can’t talk back. So I write. If you read the post and hated me, don’t come back and you are welcome. If you liked it you are the saddest person (with a littlest wiener) on the face of earth. Go and commit suicide right now.

Tada. Take care of your little ego and virginity. Laugh at mirror to detoxify.

P.S. I am proud of the post.