Category Archives: women

How to woo girls – A loser’s guide

 

Wooing girls has always been considered as an art. It needs passion, endurance, inborn capabilities and lots and lots of practice. I thought to myself, why not analyse this art and prepare a synopsis for a cookbook. I am an expert (certification and 97.5 patents pending with the cupid).

After lots of analysis, closed room discussions with myself and my beer bottle (and belly) and incessant staring at the stars I have reached to a revealing conclusion. The conclusion is whether a guy is interested or not interested in a girl he will behave to impress a girl, without fail. He will behave according to the strategy he has created from his teens (or way before), the strategy (may or may not have been successful) which he thinks fits him the best and which will (in his own small world) make a girl go crazy (and wet). So I have decided to categorise guys and look for the girl which will suit you the best. For starters I do believe that ‘opposites attract’.  People always try to look person who has all the qualities they have only dreamt about in themselves. So here is a small excerpt. The cookbook is still cooking (baking to be exact).

The decent devils

These guys are like coconut or melons. Tough from outside and sissy soft from inside. He will always act rowdy in front of others and will talk softly to each and every girl he meets. The girl community will form and opinion that you are very decent and you will always try to break their belief. This has a dual advantage. You can do whatever you want and still be considered as a ‘good’ guy.

If you do feel that you are one of these kind then watch a lot of movies based on split personality (like Fight Club, Spider Man or Secret Window). These movies will enrich you and portray you as a pseudo-intellectual loser stud. And believe me pseudo-intellectualism is a huge head-turner for most of the women. The girl which will suit you is typical ‘ghar-ki-bahu/behenji’ types. These girls will be super committed and will also allow you to act rowdy. You can actually make fun of them in front of everybody and they will not mind. Isn’t that a cool way to satisfy tour piggish little ego?

The BiKing Boys

Ah..you have a spelndor,passion,FZ,fazer,apache,pulsar then you are ready for a go. Girls love bikes. At least, most of them. They love the fluttering of their hair sitting on the pinion while the chauffer guy escorts them to a mall. These guys pretend that they don’t care about mileage and can drive bhery bhery fast. And they can even drive a bike keeping their both hands in air (old school?).

If you do fall in this category then spend minimal on yourself, because the girls whom you are going to patofy are very expensive (financially and emotionally). But there are certain tricks. You kind of girls love movies and ice-cream. So in that case you have to spare pend only Fridays with them. Rest of the week they are busy gossiping.

The farting flirts

These are the guys who think farting in front of girl is damn cute. Their fart is always those sweet and dangerous. They have a small *beeep* sound or a sweet humming sound which comes out momentarily from their rear window.

If you fall in this category you should and would look for a girl who smokes or the one who loves to smell. One who smokes will never complain because her olfactory glands have lost their sensitivity to smell (hope their other glands are working). The one who loves to smell will go crazy about you as she not only loves you but you as a complete person with all the intangible (and abstract) qualities you have. If you really want to keep (or woo) this girl eat a lot of cabbage and radish and cauliflower. This kind of diet will keep your relationship in balance.

The handsome hunk

These kinds spend hours in gym and more hours shaving their armpits. They smell good and taste even better (no personal experience cited). They have an obsession for sunglasses. They have feeling that they can woo every girl and believe me, at the end of the day, they can.

So, you fall in this category. Feeling lucky about your genes and mirror eh? If you do belong here then keep a comb and mirror (the ones sold in local trains) always with yourself, you may not get a washroom to look good everywhere. You should always look for a girl with super-model looks. You don’t have to care about the words like ‘cultured’ and ‘classy’ because your girl will never bother about them. She will be too proud of herself and too engrossed in her shallowness and facial (no pun intended). And don’t forget to worship Hrithik. When your girl screams ‘OOHH MY GAWD’ in the bed, she is actually referring to Hrithik.

The Mama’s boy

These kinds of guys take permission from home to go to pee. They use local transport to travel and never have driven a bike because it is too dangerous (as his mom says).Specifically suited for arranged marriages, these guys love their family and cheating does not appear in their dictionary. Their body structure can range from too lean to guys with dudeterus.

If you fall in this group and brave enough to accept it then ‘salute’. You should look out for an independent girl who loves freedom. The girl should have a Royal Enfield so that you can capture her pinion. Remember Deepika in ‘Karthik calling Karthik’? And she should never ever wear a saree. She should teach you to drink whiskey and act as your second mom. She should take you out for a stroll every day in the evening for some fresh air.

The frustrated frat

These kind of guys are super shy and super duper frustrated losers. They always hang in groups and can be spotted in different malls passionately pursuing their hobby ie. Girl watching. They may even fall in love and will wait for a glimpse of the girl of their dreams but will never ever have the guts to talk.

So if you are this kind of loser then it is probable that you masturbate a lot (and I can’t define lot). And you are so egoistic that you are actually waiting for a girl who would come up to you and fall on your feet. You, my friend need medication or a bold girl. You are looking for a girl who (and her commitment) will be your asset to flaunt. Best of Luck with that.

The ‘I don’t care ones’

These guys are also seen in bunch and they feel like pride of lions. They think show that they don’t care a shit about girls (but are not considered gay) but secretly try to get a girls attention. Actually they are the hungriest kind and their every move is targeted to woo girls.

If, my friend, you are here then believe me you just need a goddamn girl. You are not racist and don’t believe in discrimination of opposite sex based on caste, colour, creed, whims and size. The day a girl will give you the tiniest amount of ‘patta’, you will run to the nearest temple to pay homage to God.

The Best Friends

These guys are a more like girls (not gay). They always hang around with bunch of girls and are best friends with many of them. They cry and share feelings. They are very well behaved and open minded (at least it seems so).

If you are one of these, then don’t worry. You will get a girl. You will always be the backup plan of you best friends. So as soon as your friend goes through a breakup jump along and if you are lucky then she may even consider you. And if you are the reason of their breakup then you are screwed, because even if she breaks up with that guy you will always carry the tag of best friend throughout your life.

The list is not exhaustive and the categorisation above can be elaborated and bent in many ways.

I know that most of the guys will deny that they fall in any of the category above but the girls will know that some way or the other they do resemble, may be the tiniest amount.

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Filed under pleasure, random, relationships, sex, sinbycosmoy, society, teenage, women

Closed eyes make you Blind

Dear Didi,

Grow up. If you think that you are old enough then, wake up.

Let me tell you very clearly in the beginning of the letter that I am not a member, neither am I remotely connected to the ‘Red’ camp. So if you do suspect me that I am planning to conspire against you with my presence in social media and my not so popular tweeter handle, then sorry to disappoint you, I am just a common man.

If unfortunately you do read this and ban me and my existence using SOPA (aah seems so funny..Sibbal ji come out with a cooler name to fight your super cool enemy ie. Internet), I will be very glad as that will actually prove that you are still in deep slumber or still in your adolescence.

You and Nitish Bhaiyya (I should have called him Nitish Da, being a bong, but I was brought up in Bihar, so can’t help) have a similarity. Both of you came into power after defeating a long, ineffective, selfish era of false hopes and promises (34 years of red camp and 15 years of crap camp). Kudos to you for that. But the similarity ends right there. He moved on and you became a cry baby.

I know you have great power and with great power comes great responsibility (stolen from the movie Spiderman). You chose the right strategy to get that power. You highlighted the inefficiency and inability of your opponent to govern a state. Hit the iron when it is hot was your mantra. Not only did you highlight the shortcomings of your opponents but also connected with people of all stature by walking up to them in your chappals. What a commendable job! And people believed you. At least I did.

I still remember that when you won, I had a debate with my friend who questioned your ability to handle the power. He said that a person needs maturity and personality to hold the highest position in a state. I defended you by saying that for development you need only vision.

And you brought development by introducing street lights like London and painting the city ‘blue’. What a visionary you are! Visionaries lead and show tomorrow. You are still stuck in the past. Blaming the opponents for all the Satanic phenomenon was a cool move to win, but not anymore. To exist, you need to give reasons. To us, to your opponents, to the eyes filled with hopes.

“Kolkata is a timid city. If you cannot protest at least feel sorry.” –That’s what came into my ears on 15th January on my way to office while listening to FM. Before this day I used to consider Kolkata as a safe city for women unlike Delhi. My belief was shattered when I came across the Park Street rape case. It hurt me more because I am a regular in pubs and discs.

But I was filled with rage when you, being a woman yourself, called this incident to be fabricated one and a conspiracy of opponents. Do you actually know the meaning of ‘rape’ or do you believe in “Ignorance is Bliss”? You seriously need to go back to school and learn some basics and get some class.

It seems that you are still in your teens who bitches about her neighbour for every pimple that comes out on her forehead. Farmers dying – opponent conspiracy. Woman raped – opponent fabricated. I will not be shocked, if on a fine morning the density of your poop decreases and you blame the opponent for mixing water in it.

After that, what happened today was a cherry on the top. You  called Damayanti Sen and Jawed Shamim to Writers and after an hour long closed door meeting, they came out to hold a press conference to clarify themselves in Writers itself. Oh come on, bring some class and shrewdness in the game of politics and ask them to go to Lalbazar first and then clarify in front of media. It looks genuine that way.

Let me tell you what an IAS/IPS means. In my opinion they are the highest post a person can get in Indian administrative/judicial hierarchy using his talent, brain, dedication and passion to serve the country. The people whom you called in Writers to flaunt your power have read more number books than the number of hairs in your whole body. Pay some respect to them if you have a mirror with you. Just imagine the condition your beloved state will be in if these senior bureaucrats decide not to do their job whole-heartedly. The law and order of the state will be at toss and you will still be playing the blame game.

Grow up before it is too late. Wake up before the darkness prevails. Stop crying and do.

Sincerely Yours,

Sinbycosmoy.

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Filed under anger, India, Kolkata, media, society, women

Confusion and Red Rose

Aah a day to celebrate love. Cliched. I would rather masturbate and go to sleep.

V day has never been a day of importance to me. It has always been a day of confusion. I still remember that day when I took the ‘Red’ rose, stealing it from my dad’s garden, with me in my school bag and brought it back on my way back home. I am still confused as why I took the flower to school. Is it because I was hoping for a girl who would come up to me and say, “Hey, can I have your flower? You can take my candy instead.” Or was I apprehensive of the fact that people will laugh at me if I don’t take a flower to school on the Vday. I was in class five then.

I got my first kiss on V day. I remember it because it was my first kiss. I realised it later that I celebrated love. It was fast, sensuous and moist. And confusing because it was new.

This year people asked (I apologise for their stupidity), what am I doing on the ‘day’. I gave them a completely stupid and confused look (exhibiting honestly the feeling inside me) and said, “I donno.” I lied. I do know what I will do tomorrow. I will wake up. I will brush and shit (I wish tomorrow it is heart-shaped). I will go to office and (try to) solve bugs. Then I will fall in love with every next girl I will see in office. Then I will return home and eat and sleep. The funny thing is, many of us who are very close to real life will have more or less the same day as mine.

Don’t do that.

Love instead.

Love yourself, your vicinity.

Love air and love aroma.

Not only tomorrow but everyday.

Do something before you file a missing report of your balls.

I celebrated Vday by writing a small post (tomorrow office).

What are you waiting for?

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Filed under humor, life, love, memories, nostalgia, pleasure, random, relationships, sinbycosmoy, society, women

That’s Why

Why? Why?

Let me tell you a small story.

This is the story of boy. And the boy is in Kolkata. Kolkata International Book Fair was in the city. He loved to read. He loved to smell. Smell the books.

So he went to the Book Fair. He bought few and smelled few. And he indulged himself in some gastronomic pleasure. It is traditional in Kolkata to munch something while you shop. And he did the same. While returning from ‘Milan Mela’ ground, he and his friends decided to hop into Arsalan for some ‘Biriyani’. Arsalan was full, so they headed to Aliah near ‘Dhormotolla’ and had ‘Biriyani’ and ‘Kebabs’ and ‘Phirni’. He loved calling himself a foodie and was proud of his taste buds. While returning home he took a bus. And the realisation happened there.

The bus was moving at a very slow pace, very typical to the average speed of Kolkata city buses, that too on a holiday. He got himself a window seat, rested his tired but happy body, and started enjoying the ride. He started watching the scenery outside. He felt as if the the city is trying to share her joy and warmth with him by rubbing her nose with his. He rubbed back and smiled. While moving his head slightly out of the window and enjoying the cool breeze, he thought he looked like a dog who is enjoying his flowing hair, to people on the roads.

As soon as the bus stopped near Rabindra Sadan, a bunch of people got into the bus, and his tranquillity was broken by the sudden hustle inside the bus. The conductor of the bus, in a very harsh voice asked everyone to move towards the end of the bus and make space for other passengers.

He was sitting in the front seat and the space in front of him got occupied by a group which he considered to be a part of the lower strata of society. He tried not to look at them as it would hamper his dreamy world, he thought, but a kid from the group, due to the crowd in the bus, was forced to sit in his lap. Her mother looked at him and smiled. He noticed that the group was big. There were 6 kids, a man and a woman, probably the parents, most of them wearing torn but clean clothes. The smallest one was in the lap of his mother, who was struggling to gain balance in the suffocating crowd of the moving bus. Then the next, around 4-5 years old, got hold of the window and was enjoying the scenery outside with his elder sister, the one forced to sit in the lap. The father was instructing everyone to stick together, otherwise they may get lost. The mother was stopping her kids from keeping their body parts outside the bus. It seemed that this as their first day outside, at least for the mother and few of her kids. They looked happy and amazed.

He hated the scene. He hated the way the kids were enjoying the scenery outside. He thought the window and the scenery as seen from it, belongs to him, and cannot be shared with those lower status kids. They talked, laughed and giggled in ‘bhojpuri’. When the conductor asked for ticket from them, the father said that they don’t have money. The conductor mumbled a few expletives to them and said, ‘Why do you people get on the bus when you don’t have money. Why do you come to Kolkata?’

He got amazed when the expletives uttered by the conductor did not steal the happiness from their faces, and when the conductor did not force them to get down from the bus. There was a boy around 14 years old with them. He seemed to be the eldest one and posed as ‘know-it-all’ in front of his other siblings. He explained the brands of cars moving on the road and warned everybody to keep their heads inside the bus. As soon as the bus passed the ‘Victoria memorial’, there was a sudden wave of excitement on the kids’ face. The y all looked at the memorial which was well lit at that moment of time with the moon just visible in the sky. The kid who got hold to the window pane, pulled the fringe of his mother’s sari with his small hands and said, ‘Ma, Look Victoria.’ And the mother who was busy balancing the baby and saving her other kids, leant a bit, and started looking at the ‘Victoria memorial’ with joy, amusement, astonishment and pain in her face.

And, at that specific moment felt ashamed. He realised that the window and the city Kolkata did not belong to him. It is to be shared and enjoyed. He felt that all mothers are same. Same as the city. They are busy protecting their kids and at the same time want to feel the happiness on their kids face. They feel secure with their husbands and are mesmerised by bright lights and monumental structures. The mother bent further and started enjoying the view outside with her kids. The girl sitting in his lap, for a moment, tried to push her hands outside the window and feel the air. He took her hand and forced it inside and said, ‘Don’t do that, it is dangerous’, with an authority like a big brother. He was happy again.

And that’s exactly why.

That’s why I love Kolkata. I love the smell in the air, the warmth in the sunlight. I love the Rabindra Sangeet that is played at the traffic signals. I know people will get pissed at the music during summers in a crowded bus stuck in traffic jam, but they will nevertheless love it. I love the metro trains, the underground subway, park street rolls, biriyani. I love underground, Someplace Else. I love City Center, South city. I love Durga pujo and Saraswati Pujo. I love Yellow taxi and green autos. I love shuttles and ‘dada ektu adjust korun na’. I love the way this city accepts. The way it has place for every person. It takes care of everyone. People from different city, state, country are happy here. I love Academy and Nandan. I love Oh! Calcutta and New market and Shree Ram Arcade. I love the crowd of Goriahat and silence of Rajarhat Highway. I love Metro, Jaya, Adlabs and Inox. I love radio Mirchi, miniskirts and ‘lal-paar-sada-saari’. I love when on a weekend some Bengalis are taking part in Kolkata marathon while some are spending it as a weekend trip at Mondarmoni, while some are reading ‘Anadabazaar Patrika’ with a cup of tea and ‘maarie’ biscuit enjoying the first rays of sunlight. I love St. Paul’s Cathedral, the morning walk in Victoria Memorial Park. I love the KC Paul as well as KC Dass. I love Haldiram’s and I love the parks filled with couples exhibiting love in parking places. I love the ITC House, Chatterjee International and S.D.F. I love Dalhousie and Sector 5.  I love Burrabazaar and Saltlake. I love park Circus and College Street. I love Esplanade, Chandni, Chang Wah and Tolly Club. I love BBD Bag and Ultadanga. I love EM Bypass and Khanna Haat. I love Tollywood and fish.

I love hope.

I love Kolkata

~dedicted to 14th February – the day to celebrate love.

P.S. The spellings of the places are not to be used in spell bee. They are intentionally used to keep the feel of the place intact and has been tried to bring close to the colloquial language.

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Filed under food, humor, India, Kolkata, life, love, memories, music, nostalgia, pleasure, random, relationships, sinbycosmoy, society, women

Letter

To You,

I have drunk a lot

But I will not cry.

Ridiculous?

I am sad.

I’m drunk.

I don’t usually get sad (even if I get dunk).

At least when I get drunk.

So, lets say I have drunk more than avg.

I miss you. I really miss you,’

I don’t have you.

I don’t have to be you.

I want a girl who knows me as well as you.

As if I can share my life with me.

But I really miss you.

I will never call you.

But I will feel the void.

I want you back but not in a normal way.

You know you were who mattered in my life. That’s pathetic. Even if I had cared for you at any point of my life, just dream and be a stone.

 

It is funny that every time I write I try to create a controversy. Is it true or just an exaggeration? I wrote the above paragraph when I was high. Now back to the present.

It is a bit strange that after so many days you called and asked me a question which I expected (not prayed). I prayed that you will ask me, “Are you happy?”. But I know You. You will never answer my prayer. But You answered my expectations. I expected you to ask me something which I will never expect. Something which has nothing to do with me being a being who is trying to survive (and so is everyone). A question which is trivial enough to be asked when you are non-trivial to be answered. So you asked it. “Can you leave cigarette?”

And ironically I answered. I answered in a way which is comforting to me more than it is to you. You know, truth gives hope. I used to think that if I speak my heart to someone, then that person will give heart for me. Not anymore. Now I pretend. You have gifted me a permanent fear of trust. Thank You. Thank You for this lovely feeling of ‘being uncomfortable’ throughout life. If I feel uncomfortable that means I am still breathing. Miracle.

So I answered and answer didn’t give hope. Not to you neither to me. So I avoided the risk of hopes being shattered. Although I am very used to this ‘hopes shattered’ kind of thing from my childhood (may be the reason for my introvert-ness), I still avoid it.

Take Care

And Keep laughing

And continue to make this world (not mine) a happy place to live in.

Me.

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Filed under anger, childhood, death, humor, life, love, memories, nostalgia, phases, pleasure, random, relationships, sinbycosmoy, society, women

Pin prick a cocoon

Caution : This post may contain excessive usage of expletives which may not be apt for your kindergarten literary taste. So if you are a hypocrite and have an illusion of high self-esteem, just stop reading and fuck off.

Dedicated to all the sluts out there. (DRUMROLL)

Lemme tell you a fact and a little secret. It is a fact that I can talk to girls. Now that may not be an ossum fact for you guys who are pretty popular with the fairer sex but for an introvert like me it is a self-confidence booster. I can talk, make them laugh, make them feel comfortable and I am not gay. Now the secret is that I can’t talk back. I may seem pretty confident (sometimes over-confident) from time to time and scenario to scenario, but the truth is I cannot protest.

There is a page on facebook with the following name :

“I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it`s unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he`s a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she`s a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it`s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it`s a shitty lock. That shut her up..”

Everyone in my office knows that I went through a breakup couple of months back and I do gawk at girls (natural masculine phenomenon. Helpless!!), everywhere and fall in love every now and then. I am not a hypocrite and I do express my feelings openly. Is that a crime? At least I am not one of those who wants do an arrange marriage and will rape his wife on the first night. Long story, we will come to that shit later.

Story 1

Now some girls in my office are paying that ‘extra’ bit of attention towards me and I admit that I do enjoy it. But since I have the tiniest amount of courage when it comes to girls, so obviously the ‘extra’ attention is never encouraged by me (nor discouraged though :P). Those girls are either married or would be married or want to get married (and want to have a fling with me). Does that make me a bad person or a person who tries desperately to get girls? At least to them it does. Let me make this very clear that just because I had a breakup and am single (and have experience), does not mean I will sleep around for fun and allow you to look down on me. I am a guy with high self-esteem and an enviable (sometimes) dick. If you want to take it in your mouth (or wherever) then just don’t make me look like a slut. Believe me, in a normal Indian society, any guy who humps any animate (or inanimate) object in his way, he is not considered a legend, rather a guy with loose character.

So if you want the beak don’t call me weak.

Story 2

Just because I talk to you and laugh with you and like you, does not mean I am all over you. The thing that changed me from my last relationship is that, I can get out of any crush/love instantly and brutally (that was what has been done to me). So girl if you think just because I have given you some slightest indications doesn’t mean that I am panting like a dog to grab your boobs (although I would love to). Just because I like being with you does not mean you can treat me like your bitch (and ironically be the good person in everyone’s eye). And if you do, although you are not a guy, I will make you become one and then kick your balls (that would be so much fun). Libra may be the zodiac sign of classy people, but with a typical Bihari accent, believe me you are too crude for my taste. You are dumb and insensitive bitch with no sense of self-respect or taste. Being a Bong, gives me an inherent responsibility to make fun of people from your state. Now if you are not angry and want a good company (guaranteed), let us go and have some ‘chai and biskut’.

By the way, our mistress looks better than you.

Story 3

That slutty hypocrite, I hate her. Just to feel powerful, she boasts of the friend requests and slaps and tells lies. I sincerely hate her. She tries desperately to prove that she not a typical girl but trust me she is a perfect example of a girl. Typical girls dress up to gain attention and try desperately to show of her stern belief on feminism (without explicitly expressing it). She does that all and more. I am sitting beside you and accidentally you give me ‘that’ look. I innocently notice that my shoulder may have unknowingly brushed your boobs, SLIGHTLY. If you don’t trust we guys, and always think that we intentionally may eve tease you, then why the hell do you hang around with guys? Feel powerful eh?? Really, are you that weak? How can you be two-faced with a big innocent grin on your face? If you were born in a different world, with more girls than boys, unlike India with bad women to men ratio, you would have been perfectly treated. Here you can only be treated psychologically. Get yourself a doctor.

You are more pathetic than me. Ironical!!

Story 4

A girl’s parents were too eager to marry their daughter. In Indian society (at least most of it), girls are considered to be a burden. Don’t be illusioned by India’s political hierarchy with a feminine Numero Uno. India is still a country where girls are worshipped as well as raped. Unity in diversity. So, they put an ad in a matrimonial site, hence started the marketing of a fresh product. The product was picked up by prospective customers. And here the parents decide the customer they want to transfer their ownership of the product. A NRI customer, with a promising career in Silicon Valley is enough to make these parents’ jaw drop. The customer never sees the product, personally, before the transfer of ownership (popularly and deceivingly known as ‘marriage’). After the marriage, on the first night (and never a day, its full of light, fear of unmasking), it is customary for the customer to ‘test’ the product with his beak. As the customer is NRI, a general thought is that he has not dipped his dick for a long time. So throughout the night the girl, ahem, the product, gets exploited pretending to enjoy it. When ‘it’ is unable to bear anymore, she begs that she cannot take anymore. The customer being a generous fellow, stops. For five minutes. And resumes on the top. He will not stop even if tears roll out of the eyes of ‘it’.

Can we hang the customer, this guy, instead of Kasab?

I don’t pity girls who wait for the right and settle for wrong. I laugh at those, who ‘test/taste’ every right and wrong is what they deserve. I don’t care if you are princess or a self-conscious, insecure, pathetic loser who desperately tries to look like one, you will still not get respect from the core of my heart (although I can pretend). If you don’t deserve it, you will not fucking get it. Have some self-pity. Prescribed.

I told you, I can’t talk back. So I write. If you read the post and hated me, don’t come back and you are welcome. If you liked it you are the saddest person (with a littlest wiener) on the face of earth. Go and commit suicide right now.

Tada. Take care of your little ego and virginity. Laugh at mirror to detoxify.

P.S. I am proud of the post.

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Filed under anger, humor, India, life, love, memories, random, sinbycosmoy, society, women

Yet another ‘love+relationship’ post

Don’t these bloggers ever get bored of the topic!!

courtesy

See, I am not a relationship pro. No one can be. Being in a relationship and learning from it, is a journey, not a destination. But I am going to share a single funda of relationships based on my personal experience. Unlike my previous posts I will stop beating around the bushes (no pun intended :P) and jump on the subject (no pun intended either :D).

Honeymoon periods (I said no pun intended…dontcha gettit?) come with an expiry date and if you can still keep it fresh you have survived the hardest test of your relationship syllabus.

Phase I:

The mirage

Each and every relationship starts with a very thrilling and exciting phase. You find the other person very attractive. Time spent with him/her seems too short. Flattery is your buzzword (with a slight amount of teasing which brings out the naughtiness quotient) and you are in sheer amazement how yours and his/hers choices match exactly. You start believing that this is divine intervention in your life and he/she is ‘The One’. Each and every word, laugh, joke, movie, popcorn and random tangible objects seem so perfectly made for both of you. You act like a 6 months old kid who runs after the shiny object and tries to chew everything that can fit in the tiny mouth. Here you learn from each and every couple around and swear to God a million times, “We are surely never gonna do that”. Here the concept of nicknames is introduced (if you are really into it).

Phase II:

The Oasis

Now you decide that you need to grow up. And you try to grow up (but don’t realise that you are going to fail miserably anyway). Here your relationship becomes a bit romantic and mushy, which is good! You tease less and touch more (emotionally and physically). You start trusting and everything seems perfect. You are the ossumest couple and all other couples are not. If other couples fight, you laugh at them and if they don’t, you label them as ‘boring’. You like holding hands and squeezing them in public to show the extra bit of attention and care (like extra cheese on the top of a pizza). You like the smell of his/her hair/skin. Till now you have stopped looking/gawking at other random dude/chick (since you have found the water). If you have survived phase II then believe me you can be a very very good boyfriend/girlfriend. But remember you have still not graduated to become the ‘only one’ in life. Even if the other person tells you that you are a graduate now don’t ever ever believe him/her, because if you do believe then you will never graduate.

Phase III:

The Desert

Now this is an advance phase of relationship. Here you and your sonu/jaanu/sweetu/golu/or any random nickname you call him/her will be tested and tried to examine your potential to go through the hardships of the journey called ‘Life’. Here a small glimpse of reality is shown to you. In this phase you come to see a small preview of the real you and your partner, completely devoid of the coating of chivalry and ‘desperately-trying-to-impress-you’ part. You fight over petty issues. If you can handle petty issues you will be able to handle real ones later. You agree to disagree. Jealousy and possessiveness creep in, typically confined in this phase only. Because In phase I and II you were too young and busy to experience jealousy and possessiveness, and in later phase you will be too grown up. This is adolescent phase of relationship and is the most vulnerable. You think that you have ‘seen-it-all’ and question ‘is there something new?’

Sometimes it seems real boring but the sense of satisfaction that at least you have someone makes you stick (which can be quite dangerous sometimes). Since this phase is life turner, you will always emerge as a winner (even if you don’t pass the test).

If you pass phase III, congratulations you have graduated and have become member of an elite club called ‘committed’ (and boring).

If you have failed phase III, kudos to you, welcome to the elite club called ‘hurt and hungry’ or ‘single and sexy’ or whatever appeals.

Remember that Phase I, II and III are collectively called the ‘Honeymoon’ or ‘Delusional’ phase of a relationship. The real life begins after that and it gets tougher. But you have been trained to survive and if God (and you partner) wants, you will survive and emerge as a winner.

Note that the word ‘LOVE’ doesn’t even appear a single time in any of the phases because the real ‘LOVE’ starts after you graduate.

P.S. The symptoms in different phases may vary from couple to couple, orientation to orientation, but the basic classification of stages and their predicted results are more or less accurate. Isn’t it?

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